space for romancing my life

when i was younger, i would follow my romantic thoughts about life. I wanted to experience the fruits

of adult life and yet I wasn't so wise about the pragmatics of it....

But now I am here in my cell and I find myself thinking 'what do I want to do?'

and quite literally I find myself thinking "What should I want to do" - pretty telling.

I thought about taking myself out to the restaurant nearby - but felt no real passion

either way about it. Should I spend money just for something that has me meh with enthusiasm?

I find myself tightening my grip on my body - the safe haven for me - totally live in my physicality

because it's a safe space and it helps me live in denial. That's kind of what I did when I moved

to San Francisco in my early 20s. The outside world seemed so vast and my lack of a sense

of what to do with myself had me frozen. Anyways - I need to suss out a solution.

I feel more keenly able to do that now.