Sorting things out
Ok, so lately I have been trying to sort out what to do with myself now. I'm taking some time to figure out how to go about living my life as the guy I am and always have been, now that my body (mostly) matches my gender ID.
A problem I had foreseen has begun cropping up - what do I do about all those people who knew me BEFORE my transition, and encounter me now, AFTER it? I have a few loved hobbies which involved group activities - LARPing(Live Action Role Playing), SCA(Society for Creative Anachronisms), cosplay, etc. - and I don't want to quit those. I haven't participated in any of them since I began transitioning - in part because of the complications with my "top" surgery, and lack of funds to attend events - but now that I have healed and am passing as male on a regular basis in public, I want to get involved again.
I know that my voice has been changing - deepening, as the T works its "magic" - and my facial structure has changed, becoming more masculine - but there are still a few people in the groups I used to interact with who might make a connection. I know that my body looks very different now - gone are the DDD boobs that used to cause me so much grief and pain and draw unwanted attention. Gone too is the constant air of depression that I was trying to escape. I am wearing glasses now - most of these people never saw me with glasses on - and I even drive a different thing - a truck, as my car was totaled early on. I also have a beard and mustache now, which I never allowed myself to grow before.
The more I think about it, the less likely it is that anyone would recognize me - or even care to think hard enough to notice any connection - as long as I don't act like we've met before. None of these people were actually close friends; well,... except for one or two, both who suspected(one who's gay and married his SO, the other is bi and doesn't really care what I am). Most of these people also never really saw me without my closest friend at these events; so if she isn't at my elbow, no one will ever think twice. *sigh* But there's the problem: half the fun of these events was in going to them with my friend. She also enjoys these events, and I don't want to cut her out of my life just so I can go without being tied to a past I wish had never been.
The main thing I will have to do is change entirely the costumes and outfits I used to wear - because I have seen that many people recognize others at these events by what they're wearing! Few ever bother to get to know each other outside the events - and only "know" each other by their event IDs - NOT their real names, or what they do in real life.
Given all of this, I guess it is silly to be afraid someone might connect the me of now with the person they once saw. If anyone does, I can always act like I have no clue what they're talking about, ... and if they persist in it, I guess I could walk off like they've lost their minds.
Before, I was never very social - always unhappy with the body I was in. I went to these events as an escape, taking on a different personna to escape the miserable life I was forced to live. Now, I want to go to these events to interact as a version of MYSELF, as a social outlet. So, I'm going to have to start over, creating new IDs for the SCA and LARPs, creating new costumes and outfits to wear.
I don't want to invest too much money into the costumes/outfits just yet - I'm still loosing weight. Thankfully, most of what my "characters" would wear is "one size fits most" style. Even at that, fabric of the right sort isn't cheap, and my finances are still severely limited. One good thing: as a guy, I'm not expected to wear as intricate a style as the ladies are - most of the time, for most medieval cultures.
Maybe I can recycle a few items from my previous apparel, re-cut and sew, combine, adjust. Well, it's a start - and I feel more confident for having thought it out like this.
At least I can still use the footwear - I typically wore flat soled boots or sandals. And I have a suit of leather armor none of them have ever seen me in! With that, all I'll need is pants and a tunic, maybe a cloak they haven't seen before. Since cooler weather should be on the way soon, that could work for the first few events I go to, giving me time to save up and make other stuff for warmer weather. I also have a tent they won't recognize, for events where we're camping out.
Yes, this could work out nicely.
Now to research a new SCA personna... some guy from the medieval period I can be.
A problem I had foreseen has begun cropping up - what do I do about all those people who knew me BEFORE my transition, and encounter me now, AFTER it? I have a few loved hobbies which involved group activities - LARPing(Live Action Role Playing), SCA(Society for Creative Anachronisms), cosplay, etc. - and I don't want to quit those. I haven't participated in any of them since I began transitioning - in part because of the complications with my "top" surgery, and lack of funds to attend events - but now that I have healed and am passing as male on a regular basis in public, I want to get involved again.
I know that my voice has been changing - deepening, as the T works its "magic" - and my facial structure has changed, becoming more masculine - but there are still a few people in the groups I used to interact with who might make a connection. I know that my body looks very different now - gone are the DDD boobs that used to cause me so much grief and pain and draw unwanted attention. Gone too is the constant air of depression that I was trying to escape. I am wearing glasses now - most of these people never saw me with glasses on - and I even drive a different thing - a truck, as my car was totaled early on. I also have a beard and mustache now, which I never allowed myself to grow before.
The more I think about it, the less likely it is that anyone would recognize me - or even care to think hard enough to notice any connection - as long as I don't act like we've met before. None of these people were actually close friends; well,... except for one or two, both who suspected(one who's gay and married his SO, the other is bi and doesn't really care what I am). Most of these people also never really saw me without my closest friend at these events; so if she isn't at my elbow, no one will ever think twice. *sigh* But there's the problem: half the fun of these events was in going to them with my friend. She also enjoys these events, and I don't want to cut her out of my life just so I can go without being tied to a past I wish had never been.
The main thing I will have to do is change entirely the costumes and outfits I used to wear - because I have seen that many people recognize others at these events by what they're wearing! Few ever bother to get to know each other outside the events - and only "know" each other by their event IDs - NOT their real names, or what they do in real life.
Given all of this, I guess it is silly to be afraid someone might connect the me of now with the person they once saw. If anyone does, I can always act like I have no clue what they're talking about, ... and if they persist in it, I guess I could walk off like they've lost their minds.
Before, I was never very social - always unhappy with the body I was in. I went to these events as an escape, taking on a different personna to escape the miserable life I was forced to live. Now, I want to go to these events to interact as a version of MYSELF, as a social outlet. So, I'm going to have to start over, creating new IDs for the SCA and LARPs, creating new costumes and outfits to wear.
I don't want to invest too much money into the costumes/outfits just yet - I'm still loosing weight. Thankfully, most of what my "characters" would wear is "one size fits most" style. Even at that, fabric of the right sort isn't cheap, and my finances are still severely limited. One good thing: as a guy, I'm not expected to wear as intricate a style as the ladies are - most of the time, for most medieval cultures.
Maybe I can recycle a few items from my previous apparel, re-cut and sew, combine, adjust. Well, it's a start - and I feel more confident for having thought it out like this.
At least I can still use the footwear - I typically wore flat soled boots or sandals. And I have a suit of leather armor none of them have ever seen me in! With that, all I'll need is pants and a tunic, maybe a cloak they haven't seen before. Since cooler weather should be on the way soon, that could work for the first few events I go to, giving me time to save up and make other stuff for warmer weather. I also have a tent they won't recognize, for events where we're camping out.
Yes, this could work out nicely.
Now to research a new SCA personna... some guy from the medieval period I can be.
Replies