Sorting out my thoughts... trying to...

I'm sitting here trying hard to sort out my mixed up thoughts. Actually to say that they're mixed up is putting it very mildly. It's more like there is an uncontrollable whirlwind spinning around in my mind, and nothing I do can calm it into submission. 

If I dared to explain this to any of my friends they would probably think that I'm losing my mind. The thing is I'm not entirely sure that I'm not. After all, what is insanity except confusion. Right now my thoughts are ruled by confusion.

I've been debating over and over... and over again... about which monthly bill I should " make sure " gets paid right away, and which one can wait until October 3 rd. 

So far I'm leaning heavily towards paying the Spectrum monthly bill in it's entirety, and allowing the electric bill to roll over completely until next month - ( October ). 

What scares me the most is.... Can I trust him to stick around long enough to keep his word about these bills ?! 

He's promised on the phone that he will deposit a large amount into my bank account NEXT MONTH - OCTOBER in order to cover the " double " electric bill ! 

He has to keep his word about this... IF I finally decide to do this.. that is. 

IF... GOD FORBID... He didn't keep his word about it, then I would be truly F**ked UP !!!!!

I wouldn't be able to reach out to ANY member of my family for financial help !!!!... NONE OF THEM !!

Especially NOT after Joanne ALREADY gave me my Birthday / Christmas present for this year - ( 2018 ), so that I could get a New Cell phone, and be able to use it for internet service. 

Of course the whole plan of using the new cell phone for internet / mobile hotspot was a plan made BEFORE I talked to him on the phone about him coming back.... AGAIN ! 

GOD KNOWS... HOW could I resist allowing him to come back when before I talked to him I was facing an " unsure " financial future, at best.... and at worst I was facing the very REAL possibility of ending up BACK in nursing home / rehab center... AGAIN.. but this time it would end up being PERMANENT ! Plus IF I had done that it would mean ultimately that I would have ended up losing ALL of my precious personal belongings !!!... For example, I would have LOST my furniture, my books, my kitchen things, a lot of personal knick knacks, and a LOT of other personal things that hold a LOT of emotional value !!!!!

I would have " had to " ask Joanne for help as far as moving them out of the apartment, and " storing " them somewhere for me.... BUT... realistically I honestly DON'T think she would have agreed to do ANY of that ! ... NONE of it ! 

So I would have ended up losing 98 % of my things !

I CAN'T allow that to happen... NO MATTER WHAT I HAVE TO DO TO STOP IT ! ... NO MATTER WHAT !