sorry for the crazy journals
(I just wrote a long post and I lost it - here it is in summary)
last night I talked to someone on the phone and opened up with them
and after the fact I realized I was thinking about myself differently -
I realized this happens a lot that when I talk to folks - and probably happens
to all of us - and hopefully
it can be a good thing to love on someone and to have them thinking
of themselves - it's good to have love and support like that...
I was in service this morning - and I was thinking about that - and I started
to think about how the christianity serves up a way to know yourself as well
and understand life -
and it dawned on me - that is was OK to enjoy myself during service -
and that this strict defined sense of self
that's been a kind of conjured compulsion here has not been so good
for me. there needs to be play in my life - the aescetism here has helped me think
about life and now I know I need a sense of play - though life can be very serious indeed
But I definitely don't get it here - the play I mean -
I'm all for knowing myself with a sense of play to my life - otherwise I am
getting demented here and unconsciously buried in my thoughts - and not getting
what I want and healthful.
Replies
apology NOT accepted for the crazy journals. sorting the crazies is what journals are for.
for my loving nickel, i **want** the people i love to think of themselves, often and affectionately, especially when they are thinking of me. love is not a political annexation. the love i love is two forces coming together voluntarily, each with full awareness of the interchange. i can't know what i bring to the relationship without self-awareness.
yup, i solidly believe that talking about things changes things, as we speak. therein lives the most potent of the healing magics in the peer support network. however, that magic remains strictly personal. individual 1 will change differently than individual 3.489,730, 508
Thanks Arfie:/
Personally I think all of life serves up ways for us to know ourselves...... all the parts of us that are in need of healing...
That's what life is for.... healing the unhealed parts is our ticket to heaven.....imho
thanks bob - I really appreciate it! I'm in a funky place tonight (not design wise - but mentally.)
I so appreciate yours and Arfie's comments. If it makes sense, with my illness it has taken a lot of
concentration to control myself and my reactions to figure out how to be self responsible and how to have
good relationships.
As well I've realized that it is ok to be different. With my difference I just have to do, what I know to do to keep self responsible
for who I am but not masochistic. For some reason I go to an iconic sense of self - a type of imagining that blots
out the whole world so I can have agency to write and be read or with a sense of appreciation for allowing me
the right to be one who contributes - but perhaps if I give myself those things with the perspective of being just another plodder in a healthy kind of
way. .It will take some practice, momentum and love.
My psychotic break in the 2000s came from a tough corporate job and just the impetus for exploring a world
I never had a taste of in life - and with my illness I went to extremes - my foray into understanding self responsibility now has
been as extreme as my foray into irresponsibility - I need to balance both with pleasure and fun -
Again, I'll go for enjoying life rather than a dementing pressure to be perfectly responsible.
okay to be different? do i also have permission to breathe? is it optional? even identical twins will have differences between them. seems to me that the more similar we are, the more important those differences are.
"iconic sense of self"
THAT is a high-fiber chew. thank you.
for what it's worth
an alanon speaker i listened to on cd had an interesting take on, "responsabilidad." that is "responsibility" in spanish. how handy that this particular conjugation works well in both spanish and english. yes, the cd's were in spanish.
"respond-ability."
respond-ability is not the power to create circumstance with an issuance of a mighty corporate memo. respond-ability is my ability to respond to whatever circumstance life throws my way.
Thanks Arfie!