Somewhere between yesterday and tomorrow
I've lost track of time and begun to find me. The me that I have to live with, the me who needs to be loved, the me who has interests and personality and fears and hope. I'm not the same person I was four months ago. My family isn't the same. I'm now single, head of household, handy woman, bread winner, planner, and comforter. And I must say, I'm doing a damn good job!
I've learned to forgive myself and love myself. I don't look in the mirror and see a tired old widow today. I don't hold it against me that I've been talking to someone who has similar interests as me. I don't hate myself for enjoying the scenery, music, fresh air, new experiences or new friends. Guilt is gone. What I relied on Mike for so heavily, I found within myself. Protection, love, forgiveness, direction. Yes, today I'm caught between yesterday and tomorrow. The weather is beautiful. There is so much to smile about. I know I will laugh at least once today before I step out the door. Simply because my daughter and I are together and she has so much wit! And if she doesn't encourage laughter in me, then I will. Who knows what tomorrow brings....
Thank you God for helping me, for being my strength, for helping me to not wake up "a widow" today. Thank you for showing me who I really am and keeping me safe. Thank you for your love.
I've learned to forgive myself and love myself. I don't look in the mirror and see a tired old widow today. I don't hold it against me that I've been talking to someone who has similar interests as me. I don't hate myself for enjoying the scenery, music, fresh air, new experiences or new friends. Guilt is gone. What I relied on Mike for so heavily, I found within myself. Protection, love, forgiveness, direction. Yes, today I'm caught between yesterday and tomorrow. The weather is beautiful. There is so much to smile about. I know I will laugh at least once today before I step out the door. Simply because my daughter and I are together and she has so much wit! And if she doesn't encourage laughter in me, then I will. Who knows what tomorrow brings....
Thank you God for helping me, for being my strength, for helping me to not wake up "a widow" today. Thank you for showing me who I really am and keeping me safe. Thank you for your love.
Replies
Good for you Mel, that\'s fantastic. I\'m approaching 3 months and hoping the guilt will pass soon. Things have been much easier than I expected so far. I know part of the reason is because my wife was not home for 4 months prior to passing so it was like a transition to my new life. The main reason though is my 3 year old daughter. She needs me now more than ever and she pushes me forward. Still, it\'s felt easier than I think it should and I can\'t help but feel guilty about that. I\'ve been living life the way I need to and still having fun along the way, which I also can\'t help but feel guilty about. I know the guilt is normal but I just hope it passes soon.