Somewhat frustrated...
This past week I hit rock bottom. I let myself down and more importantly, I let my wife down. She's hurt because of me and there's no quick fix to making her feel better. She doesn't particularly believe that I can turn myself around, but I have to use that as motivation to prove her wrong. I have no other choice if we are to live our life in a happy marriage.
Like I said above, this past week has caused me to seriously hate myself for what I've done. I know I've needed to get better, I've had a strong desire to get better, yet I haven't done enough to completely recover from this.
My wife is scheduling us for couples therapy, which I am definitely an advocate for! I think this will be good for us in the long run. She isn't very happy with the idea, but I really do think that having us both together in the sessions will help with my development into a completely 100% honest husband. My wife is completely correct in saying that the only motivation that I should need is her and our marriage. I haven't been doing enough to make myself better and ultimately, it has hurt her so much.
Today wasn't entirely a bad day overall. I didn't lie, which is definitely always a plus. I had an opportunity to lie today when I spoke to my Dad. Long story short, we have had a falling out with my parents and it's been difficult on both my wife and I. In the past, i haven't always told my wife that I had spoken to them after work so she wouldn't have negative feelings come back up from our falling out with them. This is a lie by omission and it is still wrong. I would always get found out and it definitely has taken a toll on us. Today, I did speak with my Dad. It has been about 3-4 weeks since I spoke to him and I wanted to talk baseball with him. When my wife came home from work, I told her pretty much right away that I had the conversation with him. I know this might not sound like much, but anytime I am in a situation in which I've lied in the past and can consciously correct it is a positive. Every little victory will help me with the big picture.
Yesterday, I talked about changing my routine. I woke up slightly earlier than I normally have. I brushed my teeth before my shower this morning, which is different than usual. I went a different way to get to the highway, and parked on a different block when I got to work. This definitely shook up my morning a bit and got my mind going.
I've talked about my fear of confrontation, which is one of the main causes of my lies. I'm afraid of an outcome of a situation and have chosen to lie to avoid it rather than have the courage to face the situation head on. Courage is something that I need to improve. Fear of the unknown and confrontation is pretty much the opposite of having courage and it's something that will change. Part of what I am going to accomplish is strengthening my courage. Every day, I'll be including an inspirational quote at the end of my journal from here on out. Reading through different quotes gives me a positive feeling that I CAN and WILL beat this thing. I know I have a long way to go to recovery, but each and every day taking a baby step in the right direction means the world to me.
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.Lao Tzu
Like I said above, this past week has caused me to seriously hate myself for what I've done. I know I've needed to get better, I've had a strong desire to get better, yet I haven't done enough to completely recover from this.
My wife is scheduling us for couples therapy, which I am definitely an advocate for! I think this will be good for us in the long run. She isn't very happy with the idea, but I really do think that having us both together in the sessions will help with my development into a completely 100% honest husband. My wife is completely correct in saying that the only motivation that I should need is her and our marriage. I haven't been doing enough to make myself better and ultimately, it has hurt her so much.
Today wasn't entirely a bad day overall. I didn't lie, which is definitely always a plus. I had an opportunity to lie today when I spoke to my Dad. Long story short, we have had a falling out with my parents and it's been difficult on both my wife and I. In the past, i haven't always told my wife that I had spoken to them after work so she wouldn't have negative feelings come back up from our falling out with them. This is a lie by omission and it is still wrong. I would always get found out and it definitely has taken a toll on us. Today, I did speak with my Dad. It has been about 3-4 weeks since I spoke to him and I wanted to talk baseball with him. When my wife came home from work, I told her pretty much right away that I had the conversation with him. I know this might not sound like much, but anytime I am in a situation in which I've lied in the past and can consciously correct it is a positive. Every little victory will help me with the big picture.
Yesterday, I talked about changing my routine. I woke up slightly earlier than I normally have. I brushed my teeth before my shower this morning, which is different than usual. I went a different way to get to the highway, and parked on a different block when I got to work. This definitely shook up my morning a bit and got my mind going.
I've talked about my fear of confrontation, which is one of the main causes of my lies. I'm afraid of an outcome of a situation and have chosen to lie to avoid it rather than have the courage to face the situation head on. Courage is something that I need to improve. Fear of the unknown and confrontation is pretty much the opposite of having courage and it's something that will change. Part of what I am going to accomplish is strengthening my courage. Every day, I'll be including an inspirational quote at the end of my journal from here on out. Reading through different quotes gives me a positive feeling that I CAN and WILL beat this thing. I know I have a long way to go to recovery, but each and every day taking a baby step in the right direction means the world to me.
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.Lao Tzu
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