Sometimes we all stress...but just talk to yourself

So its been 3 years and 3 months.... it has been quite a journey.

From walking around with the unbelievable throbbing pain in my head to the glassy eyes and just complete despair.  After a few sessions with a therapist to help me understand some of the triggers and the helplessness that could have been causing the gambling...I managed to heal, but I need to continue healing...everyday.

The first thing that happened is I had to consolidate my debt and cut up all my cards :( More than that my husband stepped up and took on the responsibility of setting the ball in motion of helping us both under debt review. Now three years later, I somehow feel different looking back.  Our relationship grew stronger, he is my true hero. 

Today as I counted my blessings in my gratitude journal, I thought: Oh what the hell, I'm better...so I'm sure just one or two grand won't hurt anyone and besides I can have some harmless fun.

What the hell!!! I remembered the pain like it was yesterday. I logged onto a few sites and couldn't bring myself to download the gaming software. I remembered how inconsolable I was for such a long time. It still hurts now. But I know that I am a work in progress. I said the Lords prayer: Our father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Your kingdom come, yours will be done, as it is in heaven. Give us this day, our daily bread, and forgive us for our tresspasses as we forgive those that trespass against us, and lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil, for thy is the kingdom, the power and glory forever and ever, amen.

I said this over and over again because it was a prayer that we were forced to say in school everyday but made no sense except for mindless repetition. This time a sense of peace came over me as I cried. I do not want to restart this crap. I am good person, I am a wonderful mother, I am a work in progress. So I woke up my hubby and told him what was happening. He helped me to understand that he is here for me and I am loved.

I guess this gambling addiction is always going to be here, but I am okay with sharing my life with it. I am a gambler and I accept that. But I also accept the fact that I am no longer powerless to this addiction. My power lies in prayer and no matter what, this will be a journey that I might be able to help someone else with, without judgement and fear!