Sometimes the desire to keep living vanishes.

Sometimes the desire to keep on living anymore vanishes like now.  I was writing a journal entry, sent it, lied my head down on my desk and cried wishing I was not here anymore.  I wish I had a person here on earth that is not a friend or family member to guide me through the grief until I am healed and whole again, whenever century that will be.  Living without Smokey is the hardest thing I have to do in my life.  I don't want to but each day I wake up and am breathing.  No matter what I do now, I miss Smokey and there seems to be no point to continue on without him anymore.  Alas!  My burden to carry forward from this point on is to keep living.  It seems like a burden for me as life is so empty and pointless without my Smokey in it.  There are a few chrisitian people on this site who have lost their partners as well.  I am a christian woman as well but my life at the moment without my Smokey in it seems futile, hopeless, pointless, empty and useless at the moment.  God can take my life back.  I am in His hands.  What is the point anymore?  Nothing seems to be working out for me without my Smokey in my life.  I can go out with my friends and family and have a jolly good time.  I still come back to the cold, empty and lonely apartment.  I am alone.  Being alone after being a couple is hard.  I will come back to the cold, empty and lonely apartment time after time.  Nothing changes.  Even if I have company over, they eventually live and it is still the same cold, empty and lonely apartment as it was before.  Nothing changes.