sometimes my need blinds me to reality
I sometimes feel like my need is endless but I just am trying to figure out
ways to get myself going in a direction - most of the time I feel so derailed
and adrift that sitting still and letting time pass me by happens. I reach out
to others to love them - and be their comrade which seems my place in the world.
I'm going to make a plan to go into Washington DC to go see
a museum or something - just something.
In the peace of the monastery
I am getting lost in reflection - and though life is good and though I do miss the energy
of city life - I am finding that my sense that I have no purpose in life - and no life
at all is something that comes to mind - and quite literally when I start to talk
about it - either in writing or in person I start to realize that just about an hour ago
I was feeling fine. Little moments of disconnect or no focs can turn into something that seems
and feels real - it's not good. But typing it out is helping me feel better -
Rather than doing it all perfectly and constantly having a focus - (Which would be sick and crazy making too)
I think I am starting to see the tool of just writing it out to you guys is most apt and a good idea.
Peace!
xx Mark
Replies
was that time of 'feeling fine' a placebo moment? Do I really need to reorient myself and find a major project?
I did invite a coworker out for a coffee or beer - so that's something.. :)
I wrote this earlier as well. It kind of speaks of what I mention in the above journal post too:
things are very good.
I had the meeting with the nurse practitioner today
and then went down to service.
In service, I started projecting that others were
upset with me for coming down late - but
I realized I can't think like that - I was looking towards
others as a focal point for myself to know how to think
about myself and then I realized I have to think about god.
It helped a great deal and that brought me down to earth.
I thought about when I was younger I would meld with the crowd organically
to have a sense of knowing my place. Wherever I went into the shops
people would think I worked there. I thought about how when I tried to have abundance in my life and start a life of my own I guess I went to the opposite side, I thought about how one friend said 'you look bigger than life sometimes'
and I think that is telling too. How or what I needed to feel ok about myself - the amount of
reinforcement I needed.
Now, today, I have a sense of what that is all about - we all have to find our focus
that helps keep us on track - and maybe also know - what we are asking for.
Does that make sense?
I am remembering now to be self responsible- and that in the face of having problems is a sobering
but a good resolve.
Hang in there Mark....we all struggle with meaning and purpose...for me, just trying to be kind brings meaning and purpose and you are those two by Mega Force. <3
Thanks Mary Louise!! Xx