Sometimes I think he doesn't get it.
I get so annoyed with him. He tells me to just accept my feelings. Acknowledge them and move on. He isn't hearing me. I can't fucking move on! If I could I wouldn't be sitting in his office every week. I could put that 120 dollars a month toward fixing my car and/or moving expenses. I can't fucking move past....why isn't he hearing that. he has no fucking idea the amount and intensity of emotional energy it takes to focus on "moving past" feeling like I have to choose between dying and the continued emotional pain. I manage to block it out them boom...it grabs my brain again. I can't even describe the feeling. It is a sadness that reaches deep inside. It is like a deep unending grief. It is the deepest sense of aloneless. It is Major Tom floating out in space until he finally dies.
Eventually it will pass and then I feel better. I feel happy. I have more energy but even that gets fucked up. I do and say things that later I regret. I get frustrated because my body clock says to stay up until 3 or 4 in the morning doing stupid shit and I have to get up and go to work in the morning. Yeah work is great especially when I have to sit there and write report after report and fill in little boxes of data. I now try to schedule as many visits and appointments as possible. On good days it helps to use up the energy and on bad days it takes enough energy and makes me "fake it" that sometimes the pain stops. Still i have days when all I can mange is to get out of bed. I have learned to ignore that feeling and put one foot in front of the other.
But you know what really sucks? The feeling of mental exhaustion that I have most of the time. I want to scream fuck you at him and the world and the fucking horse he and they and everyone rode in on. I didn't ask for this. You know why people kill themselves? it isn't the pain at the moment. It is because no one can be at war forever. Someone has to win.
Eventually it will pass and then I feel better. I feel happy. I have more energy but even that gets fucked up. I do and say things that later I regret. I get frustrated because my body clock says to stay up until 3 or 4 in the morning doing stupid shit and I have to get up and go to work in the morning. Yeah work is great especially when I have to sit there and write report after report and fill in little boxes of data. I now try to schedule as many visits and appointments as possible. On good days it helps to use up the energy and on bad days it takes enough energy and makes me "fake it" that sometimes the pain stops. Still i have days when all I can mange is to get out of bed. I have learned to ignore that feeling and put one foot in front of the other.
But you know what really sucks? The feeling of mental exhaustion that I have most of the time. I want to scream fuck you at him and the world and the fucking horse he and they and everyone rode in on. I didn't ask for this. You know why people kill themselves? it isn't the pain at the moment. It is because no one can be at war forever. Someone has to win.
Replies
Cecil,
For me acknowledging the feelings is important but it was never enough. I had to express them in front of a witness and the more witnesses the better--like a women\'s workshop for survivors.
My throat is tight right now with the frustration and despair I hear in your post. I, too, know that mental exhaustion you speak of and the fatigue of unending internal battles. Do you think \"typical\" people fight as hard?
I don\'t really know. Sure, my practical, logical mind says they probably don\'t, but I don\'t really know for sure.
I think the only thing that\'s going to stop my internal battle is allowing myself to connect to safe people--and I\'m still working on that after all this time. Connection.
So, who\'s going to win? The survivor or the thriver? And why does someone have to win? Why can\'t we just declare peace? Or is that tantamount to saying just accept your feelings and move on? Maybe.
I\'m rambling, though all I really want to say is I hear you. And that nothing lasts forever--nothing, except maybe our soul.
xx
Thank you SuzA66. It has been a rough weekend. I emailed him all 6 pages of my journals. I tend to appear really reasonable and calm when I am not. I\'m just exhausted today.