something that i have not done in awhile

I know that i have not wrote any journal entriesl about any ptsd issues lately.  I have been going crazy lately about this divorce issue looming over my head.  today i do want to talk about this topic though, as i realize that i need to to get it out. i was thining about an issue that really drives me insane about the Marines and what happened when i was in.  The marines have two seperate entities.  The marines we all know and love, are the everyday marines that you see in posters, movies, you read about.  The marine Air wing, is a whole new beast, at least to my experiance.  The term Semper Fidelis, rarely exists and is replaced by the term semper "i" fuck the other guy.  I Joine the us marines to stay in for the career.  I wanted nothing more than to serve my country, just as my father and stepfather had done.  I spent 8 years in a cadet program called the Civil Air Patrol prior to my service in the marines, where i conducted ground search and rescue missions, leadership training, and learned aerospace education.  I learned a great deal of the Marines and followed its leadership principals under the guidance of a Marine NCO, Don Lequieu.  I vauled those leadership traits and took them with me into the Corps.  When i joined the Corps, i wanted to go into the 0300 field, infantry.  I wanted to be the ground pounding leatherneck we all know and love.  The marines corps thought i was too smart, and put me in aviation avionics field.  i was trained to be an avionics technician for UH-1N Huey and AH-1W Helicopters.  I thought it would be a fun and good job. As i went through school, i learned that the motivation, the leadership, the values i had learned, seldomly are present in the Air wing. I tried to be the best leader i could be, and feel like it was not good enough.  I constantly had issues with other 'morons,' who knew nothing about being a leader, and constantly made dumb decisions and was a complete hypocrate.  It personally effected me because i thought i was better.  As i entered my unit in the fleet, i was met with others who were complete hypocrates, "do as i say, and not as i do."  i was mocked, made fun of, belittled, and down right told i was stupid by senior marines.  As i did some time, and picked up some rank, it only got worse.  i started to have severe pain in my right leg and problems sleeping.  It started to affect work and my career, as i never could sleep and get good rest.  It caused me to be late, and i started to get in trouble more and more because of it.  Because of my leg pain, i also did not and could not work out as much as i wanted too.  I was at my max weight, not over, but at my max, and i was placed on the body compostion program, and had to do all sorts of extra physical training and weight loss, which i feel further made my sleep issues get worse.  I got busted down in rank with a year and a half to go left in my 8 years, just before i was going to pick up sergeant.  That is when it got worse.  I remember times in iraq, when senior guys in rank, i will not mention any names, some guys completly insulted me all the time.  Like, this one time, in iraq (one time in band camp, lol), the senior nco's, were talking about religion.  I personally love the study of religion and know my fair share of the different faiths out there, mentioned what i knew and was immidiately ridiculed and told to 'shut the fuck up, lance corporal.'  When i told them that they had no right to insult me like that and say that crap, they wrote me bad paperwork and punished me.  When i attempted to go through my chain of command about it, i was punished further.  I had to do all sorts of extra duties, essays, and all kinds of crap. i hated it! i kept thinking, what did i do, except try to inform people that i felt i was being mistreated. Some time prior to my exit, there was a guy who was not a good marine by any means.  he was late everyday, sometimes never showed up to work.  and all the good ol boys covered for him, all the fucking time.  When we came back from iraq, he dissappeared for THREE FUCKING MONTHS!  everybody covered for him, and the senior staff nco's all bought it.  He came back, checked out on terminal leave, and was gone for good.  Shit like that was bullshit.  the good ol boys network i hated.  oncea gain, 'do as i say, and not as i do.'  I would be stuck in traffic due to a bad accident, i would call in, and still get punished, when another 'friend' of the sergeants or staff sergeants would wake up late, after they called them to wake them up, they would just laugh about it and nothing bad would happen.  It pissed me off so much, because it was unfair, wrong, and hypocritical.  i always tried to treat everybody the way i wanted to be treated, but that never worked at all and was always met with bigotry and hatred.  why? i was busted down because i was late.  i saw the doctor several times while i was in about my problems sleeping, but was told it wasnt anything important.  I wanted to be a pilot in the Marines.  I tried to go to school while i was in, but never had the time to do it.  I got married to the most beautiful woman i ever imagined on may 21, 2005.  That limited my time a lot more.  i missed out on so much time with her and my son because of the marines, and i couldnt stay in because i got busted down right before i could stay in longer. 
I dont know what else to write about.  i miss my wife so much, and wish i could apologize to her so much.  i have not been the best husband, because i was not there and could not provide a stable job in this civilian world.  I Am sorry, so very sorry.  I wish that she would know that.  I want to better myself so i could be the husband she wants and needs.  I am going down the path that god has put before me so i can accomplish this.  I just pray that Sarah could begin to see this and want to talk to me.  As i mentioned in an earlier journal entry, she still isnt talking to me.  Anybody reading this, please continue to pray for for me to continue down the path god has placed in front of me.  Please also pray for sarah, that god places a path before her and she goes down that path willingly and ask that god guides her.  I love her deeply and want to live my marriage with her in the eyes of god from now on.  I only pray that god intervenes with sarah and fills her heart with the love that we had before, with the knowledge that i am forever changing now.  I will try to be smoke free forever.  It is the hardest thing to do right now.  i feel so sad and hurt, that i have a weak moment and light one up.  I will do this.