Something that Gina wrote

Good Morning - Reading Gina's last journal, hit my heart like a ton of bricks. Gina, you are so honest about "Plan B". In the midst of these past 2 1/2 years, I have read your journals, sometimes couldn't respond because they hit so close to my heart - But you are here, even with Plan B......which brings me to write I too have a Plan....my plan is more subtle....I have high cholesterol ( just started taking meds for that this year) - should have 2 years ago......I am overweight....will lose weight, then gain it back......I am not as active as I need to be......everytime I go to the Dr. for something, it's the same speech....exercise, eat right, "do you want to have a stroke?" or "heart attack".....In my heart of hearts, I don't know that I care anymore if any of that happens.....That's my subtle plan - losing my mom (best friend) and my Jennifer (my one & only sunshine) why take care of myself? for what? I don't have energy most days to do any of what I'm supposed to. My emotions are up and down - one day I'm good ( a nice person), the next day I'm on the edge, ready to strike at any given moment. Who am I gonna tell? I said this to my husband - leave me alone....I'll take the medication for my cholesterol,,,I'll eat better,,,, but in my heart of hearts...I feel like I am secretly just waiting, just waiting until I can be reunited with Jennifer....then my life will be complete....what to do in the mean time takes real courage, it takes energy, it takes looking up when all I see is down sometimes...


WHO AM I?


Replies

ginachurchwell1970
ginachurchwell1970

Oh honey...I think deep down this is a lot of us...who you are is a survivor, a part of this community that relies on you, me, all of us when we are weak. We all have a role to play in building each other up, keeping each other going. When a Mom committed suicide a year and a half after her daughter, the author of, My Bright and Shining Star, it was devastating to me, even though I didn't know her. Following her blog, I felt I did...and thinking that if she could lose all hope then anyone could...but it hurt. She hid her pain just like her daughter did, and her death was a shockjust like her daughter's was. I think it's better to be honest about our feelings, at least to ourselves. We all matter, and we need each other. It doesn't make up for the loss, not by a long shot, but it's something. To be honest I don't even go to the doctor except my psychiatrist unless I am in pain. Bloodwork, cholesterol, diabetic screening??? I'm going to let God take care of that. Please don't feel guilty about not taking care of yourself, you are in pain and deserve comfort.
Andelene
Andelene

Wow, you are describing me in your post! I also have that secret plan to not care about my own health any more........ And having this secret plan, makes me feel good! Thank you for saying what I have been afraid to admit out loud!
Grateful hugs!! xxx
Missinglisa
Missinglisa

My feelings fluctuate. Right now I am on a stay healthy kick. I have had time when I just felt like walking out in front of the first semi I saw! After 6.5 years, I am glad I didn't. But as we all know, life is not and never will be the same. Every joy I experience is tinged with sadness. I just spent 3 wonderful days reminiscing and laughing with my phenomenal nursing classmates. But it would have been so much better if I could call Lisa and tell her all about it. Oh well. One day at a time. Tight hugs, M
PLA58
PLA58

I will have a conversation with Mike, driving in the car. When I see a hockey game my thoughts will drift to Mike ( loved hockey) 7 .5 years out I have my memories pop up and smile.
I am not on my healthy kick right now, with hubby getting worse and trying to sell rental house I am all over the place. Let things go as they are for now. I still watch what I eat and go to the gym but not as strick as I once was.
Tight hugs
Penny