Something's Wrong
Every time I try to open up, they leave me. People stay around a little longer when I don't trust them at all, and expect them to leave. And the only person I have ever completely opened up to left me too. I loved him. He says he loved me, and there was nothing wrong with me. He says that I am wife material. He says I'm beautiful, kind, talented...he even has said he regretted breaking up with me...and he has even told his younger friends that when you get something good, make sure you hold on to it (talking about me)....but even while saying all that, he constantly rejected me. He kept saying he didn't want to be in a relationship with anybody, not just me...but he was talking to other girls...and he dated another girl and is in another relationship now.......but he didn't want to be in a relationship.......and I was the only one he could ever see himself being with if he got married. I should've known it was all a lie...I wasted 4 years, waiting for him...trying to be patient. And we were together 2 years...and when we broke up, he was the one who said we should see other people. And yet he's in love...and I'm still alone. I always try to be my best....and I loved him so much....and I even loved my friends, but they all left me.
I wish I was better. He is the only one still somewhat in my life. So I have asked him before what I needed to change and what was wrong, but he always say that I don't need to change anything. But if that were true, then I would still have the people I loved in my life...and I would have someone I could trust. I wish someone would tell me what's wrong. I wish I knew what I needed to change. I know I need to get my weight back down, then I will be prettier and maybe I can start dating again...but then again...I don't want to have to change my looks to make someone like me. I want to get skinnier for myself...to be healthy. But realistically...most guys stopped looking at me since I gained weight.
And now I'm so scared to love again...and I can't even imagine opening up and trusting someone again...but I really want to. I've always dreamed of being in love and getting married, but now, that looks like it will never happen. I'm 25 now, and I've never been on a date, except a couple of times or so with my ex boyfriend. I have no idea what it's like for a guy to be interested in me, take me out to get to know me better, and if I like him we make the relationship official. I have no idea what it's like at all. And I've become scared of people anyway. I'm gonna end up being a cat lady, with one vague memory of what it was like to be in love.
And I am soooo ANGRY! And I am so sad! And I am completely fed up, sick and tired of everything! I don't know what I did wrong to be thrown away by love so easily. And I don't know what I did that I don't deserve to have life filled even a little with love....but whatever wrong I've done, I feel like I've paid enough for it. I have no memory of any relationship working out. None. Even the guy that raped me, the whole reason I came in contact with him was because he wanted to go out with me.
I feel left out. Everyone else is in love, have friends they hang with...and I have nobody.
Is it because I've become ugly? I used to have quite a few friends. And I couldn't hardly go anywhere without guys trying to talk to me. But now, I have 1 or 2 friends at school that I'm barely hanging on to...and I'm graduating soon...so they're just gonna end up being more facebook friends that I used to know but don't ever see. And no matter how hard I try to leave my ex alone, I always end up back in touch with him. And it hurts so bad. Especially now that he's dating someone else.
Why was I not good enough? He even feels bad about everything, so why am I the one always crying? I said I wasn't going to cry anymore....but even if I go a month without shedding tears over him, they always come back.
Sometimes I wonder if God it mad at me. I tried to be a good person. I had a lot of good characteristics, and although I didn't trust anyone hardly, and although I never completely opened up to anyone (except my ex), I still tried to be a friend to everyone. And anytime I'm in need, I'm always alone. Nobody stopped that guys from raping me. My friends didn't believe me. Nobody helped me when I was trying to get back in school. Nobody helped me when I went to school the first time, and was so hurt, stressed out, and overwhelmed that I was getting sick and barely hanging on. Nobody helped me when I needed a job. And when I'm alone and crying, there is nobody that can make me feel better, because I'm so used to always being alone that I can't open up anymore. Even my ex...he rejected me so much that I'm scared to try and talk to anyone because I feel ugly and not worth it. And when we were friends, he wasn't there for me when I needed to talk...he was my support system, and now he's gone. And I get so lonely sometimes that I can hardly bare it and it hurts so much. I get so lonely that I just wish I could go on and die. And even in those times, nobody is there for me. And I have to get through those times all alone. Even God is quiet during those times. I talk to Him, and I don't hear anything. The only time I ever see a sign from him is when I'm mad and depressed and out walking or something. There are times I'll feel His presence...and once I was upset about Lionel, and God said to be patient. And when I found out about his girlfriend, I got so angry at one point that I started cussing (which I used to never do), and God told me to still be patient, everything will be ok. And for the most part, I'm ok with not being with him most days, but every so often, I will get really sad and/or really angry...like tonight.
I don't know what's wrong with me, but it's not fair that I have to be alone....and at the same time, I'm scared of people getting close to me now. I tried very hard to trust. I tried to open up. I did up up, and it hurt so bad.
I'm tired of hurting, but no matter what I do, pain stalks me. Being alone hurts. And every time I open up, I get hurt. Every time I love, I get hurt. But I'm a person that needs love and needs to love others. I hate that God made me a person that needs people, because people scare me. And people hurt me.
I wish I was better. He is the only one still somewhat in my life. So I have asked him before what I needed to change and what was wrong, but he always say that I don't need to change anything. But if that were true, then I would still have the people I loved in my life...and I would have someone I could trust. I wish someone would tell me what's wrong. I wish I knew what I needed to change. I know I need to get my weight back down, then I will be prettier and maybe I can start dating again...but then again...I don't want to have to change my looks to make someone like me. I want to get skinnier for myself...to be healthy. But realistically...most guys stopped looking at me since I gained weight.
And now I'm so scared to love again...and I can't even imagine opening up and trusting someone again...but I really want to. I've always dreamed of being in love and getting married, but now, that looks like it will never happen. I'm 25 now, and I've never been on a date, except a couple of times or so with my ex boyfriend. I have no idea what it's like for a guy to be interested in me, take me out to get to know me better, and if I like him we make the relationship official. I have no idea what it's like at all. And I've become scared of people anyway. I'm gonna end up being a cat lady, with one vague memory of what it was like to be in love.
And I am soooo ANGRY! And I am so sad! And I am completely fed up, sick and tired of everything! I don't know what I did wrong to be thrown away by love so easily. And I don't know what I did that I don't deserve to have life filled even a little with love....but whatever wrong I've done, I feel like I've paid enough for it. I have no memory of any relationship working out. None. Even the guy that raped me, the whole reason I came in contact with him was because he wanted to go out with me.
I feel left out. Everyone else is in love, have friends they hang with...and I have nobody.
Is it because I've become ugly? I used to have quite a few friends. And I couldn't hardly go anywhere without guys trying to talk to me. But now, I have 1 or 2 friends at school that I'm barely hanging on to...and I'm graduating soon...so they're just gonna end up being more facebook friends that I used to know but don't ever see. And no matter how hard I try to leave my ex alone, I always end up back in touch with him. And it hurts so bad. Especially now that he's dating someone else.
Why was I not good enough? He even feels bad about everything, so why am I the one always crying? I said I wasn't going to cry anymore....but even if I go a month without shedding tears over him, they always come back.
Sometimes I wonder if God it mad at me. I tried to be a good person. I had a lot of good characteristics, and although I didn't trust anyone hardly, and although I never completely opened up to anyone (except my ex), I still tried to be a friend to everyone. And anytime I'm in need, I'm always alone. Nobody stopped that guys from raping me. My friends didn't believe me. Nobody helped me when I was trying to get back in school. Nobody helped me when I went to school the first time, and was so hurt, stressed out, and overwhelmed that I was getting sick and barely hanging on. Nobody helped me when I needed a job. And when I'm alone and crying, there is nobody that can make me feel better, because I'm so used to always being alone that I can't open up anymore. Even my ex...he rejected me so much that I'm scared to try and talk to anyone because I feel ugly and not worth it. And when we were friends, he wasn't there for me when I needed to talk...he was my support system, and now he's gone. And I get so lonely sometimes that I can hardly bare it and it hurts so much. I get so lonely that I just wish I could go on and die. And even in those times, nobody is there for me. And I have to get through those times all alone. Even God is quiet during those times. I talk to Him, and I don't hear anything. The only time I ever see a sign from him is when I'm mad and depressed and out walking or something. There are times I'll feel His presence...and once I was upset about Lionel, and God said to be patient. And when I found out about his girlfriend, I got so angry at one point that I started cussing (which I used to never do), and God told me to still be patient, everything will be ok. And for the most part, I'm ok with not being with him most days, but every so often, I will get really sad and/or really angry...like tonight.
I don't know what's wrong with me, but it's not fair that I have to be alone....and at the same time, I'm scared of people getting close to me now. I tried very hard to trust. I tried to open up. I did up up, and it hurt so bad.
I'm tired of hurting, but no matter what I do, pain stalks me. Being alone hurts. And every time I open up, I get hurt. Every time I love, I get hurt. But I'm a person that needs love and needs to love others. I hate that God made me a person that needs people, because people scare me. And people hurt me.
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