Something is different

So, it could be that maybe my meds are starting to kick in or that I'm so sick of being useless and in bed all the time that I am feeling "different."  I'm not sure I would define it as better.  I would describe it as more irritable, slightly angry and sort of like I've got a bug up my ass.  How I think these may be positive things is that up until about a few hours ago, all I could manage to feel was helpless and sad.  Ok, irritated with myself, but not enough to actually be angry by it. If you read my previous post, I was re-reading the Drama of the Gifted Child and think I realized I'm that "grandiose" depressive.  I need to do things to get praise.  I learned from an early age that the way to steer clear of the ever-angry father was to do well in school.  If I didn't, well, I'd get hit, yelled at mercilessly and punished.  If I did do well, then it was expected.  I am not quite sure I was ever actually praised.  Granted, this is cultural to an extent, the Asians are not into grand displays of affection or praise.  Here I've spent the majority of my life replicating situations where I cannot possibly "win."  I find jobs that I want to be the best at, but unfortunately, just end up burning out; which in turn just makes me feel lousy for failing. So it's simple, right? Find balance in my life.  But then who the F am I?  If I'm not a success (which I always thought I'd be), what am I? Who am I? What am I supposed to do with myself? I'm not sure I know who this person is... or if I'd recognize, much less like her. If I cried when I got in trouble, I was supposed to shut it down and stop crying my "crocodile" tears.  I was just supposed to be a strong, elegant, well-bred, well-read yet subservient female.  I'm not sure where I'm going with this.  It's not an epiphany.  I guess it's sort of a rant.  I just feel like I'm on the bring of understanding something and maybe, just maybe if I let it out, I can start to figure out what I'm supposed to DO so I can get on with this life of mine.   I've already wasted so much time sad, depressed, in bed, anxious......