Something New

I am not sure what is going on in my life lately. There are always butterflies in my stomach and I feel the urges to hurt myself. I think about it at all times and I don't know how to handle the pressure of the thoughts and the feelings. Yesterday, I wanted to use my car to terminate my life. I wanted to crash it... I also though that a more peaceful way  would be to keep the car running in the garage and slowly pass away. Since a while ago I have started to cut myself again. First, the first time that I cut in the past I didn't like it at all. So I stopped. Now I feel like I have to cut I am cutting a lot in the evening. I think that there is a problem, but I don't know how to fix it. Last night my mother found that I was cutting and she wanted to tell me that she supports me and she wants me to tell her is I don't what to go to school or not. I don't know how to answer that question. Would it be easier to just stop going to school for now and begin going to work? I am afraid because i don't want to go to work and I don't want to give up my education. I feel so depressed. I am spending  a lot of money that I don't have on things that I don't need and feel badly about in the end. Maybe that is why maybe I feel the need to cut. I wish I had the guts to kill myself. I want to overdose on medications but I am afraid of going into a seizure and giving me pain and suffering before death. I think that maybe if I do attempt to end my life with the use of my car in a garage I think that maybe before passing out I might become scared and abort my idea to do this. So what is the best way (easiest, pain free, and quick) to end one's life? I think that I think too much and thus it puts me into a field of rumination and thus a deep depression, no matter how depressed I get and how I may show it. I am tired of showing the world that I am OK because I am not. I am not happy and I don"t think that I should be so inclined to coddle everyone else to simply allow myself to hide my anxiety and my  depression.  Dr. Power is considering taking me off of my main dosage of Xanax and I don't know what to do about that I think that it is working for me but she feel that I have become immune to me and I am not getting any real benefit from this.I think that if I tell her this that she may not want to take me off of the drug because of the background of the drug itself. I don't know how I feel anymore. I see my therapist today and I think that it may help. However, I don't know what else I want to get out of this. It keeps cycling around my school schedule. I think that mom may have a point and maybe this is not the time that i should be going to school. I am nervous to ask myself what I may think about looking for a job and not going to school for the time being. Maybe I should go to Chicago and get an internship with a corporate law firm. I am not sure how I am going to pay the credit card bills as they keep coming as I keep spending. This is all such a depressing topic and I am sorry to be back in this position.  I know that my quality of life is great and I hope to grow old and achieve my goals, but I think that I am not respecting myself. I want to end the suffering and the depression. There is so much agony to all of this and it must end. Thus, I don't have the guts to go through with it.