someday I am just gonna lose it
I just have to vent. We all know how brutal holidays are since our child has passed. I have struggled even with my identity since my only child passed. How does one define being a mom? Am i still a mom - I no longer have anyone to mother. I feel that I have worked through some of this but I guess what I need to vent is how insensitive people can be.
I have worked at my current school for 10 years. One of the teachers that I know very well, who is a kind, sweet person actually came up to me this morning and said, "So how was your mother's day?" What in the world are people thinking?! I said,"You know Mary, mothers day is very sad for me now." She nodded. What I wanted to say is "really? You are not seriously asking me that? Yes, it was lovely. My only child is dead! It was wonderful. Thanks for asking!!!"
Then I went down to our weekly manager's meeting & my program director said, "So how was everyone's mothers day?" I said nothing and listened for the next 10 minutes of all of the manager's who all have living children describe their mother's day. Again, I have worked here 10 years. Everyone knows my story. Every other manager including the program director that started this %#!?#! conversation all enjoyed mothers day with their living children. So in my head I acted out all that I will say & do when I finally do lose it one day! I pictured standing up & saying, "Yes, it was a great day, the best!! I brought flowers to the cemetery for Eddie you bunch of idiots. And while I did that I remembered that I will not see him again until I die. Oh, yeah and I get to watch my heartbroken grandchildren, in a couple more weeks, cry on Father's day! At the cemetery,to bring flowers and cards, again!! Thank you all of you who, like me, work in social services, who should know better, for being so insensitive!"
I am pretty sure that I didn't act this insensitive to other's losses even before Ed passed away. At least I hope I was not this insensitive ever. I guess part of it is that now since Ed's been in Heaven for 20 months they really don't think of my loss anymore and I still can't think of much else.
Well thanks for listening to the only people in this world that understand. I needed to let that out!
Hugs, Linda
I have worked at my current school for 10 years. One of the teachers that I know very well, who is a kind, sweet person actually came up to me this morning and said, "So how was your mother's day?" What in the world are people thinking?! I said,"You know Mary, mothers day is very sad for me now." She nodded. What I wanted to say is "really? You are not seriously asking me that? Yes, it was lovely. My only child is dead! It was wonderful. Thanks for asking!!!"
Then I went down to our weekly manager's meeting & my program director said, "So how was everyone's mothers day?" I said nothing and listened for the next 10 minutes of all of the manager's who all have living children describe their mother's day. Again, I have worked here 10 years. Everyone knows my story. Every other manager including the program director that started this %#!?#! conversation all enjoyed mothers day with their living children. So in my head I acted out all that I will say & do when I finally do lose it one day! I pictured standing up & saying, "Yes, it was a great day, the best!! I brought flowers to the cemetery for Eddie you bunch of idiots. And while I did that I remembered that I will not see him again until I die. Oh, yeah and I get to watch my heartbroken grandchildren, in a couple more weeks, cry on Father's day! At the cemetery,to bring flowers and cards, again!! Thank you all of you who, like me, work in social services, who should know better, for being so insensitive!"
I am pretty sure that I didn't act this insensitive to other's losses even before Ed passed away. At least I hope I was not this insensitive ever. I guess part of it is that now since Ed's been in Heaven for 20 months they really don't think of my loss anymore and I still can't think of much else.
Well thanks for listening to the only people in this world that understand. I needed to let that out!
Hugs, Linda
Replies
What else can be said....so many others have said here exactly how I feel....yes, my sister called me and said \"happy Mother\'s Day\" did you have a nice day?and proceeded to tell me how her 2 daughters came to visit...but I must say,,,I do tell people..right out..\"I do not have happy days anymore\" and tell them why and at the restrurant where I play, everyone was very sensitive to me,,,,love them all...you can tell your co-workers....the same as I do..maybe I need to make buttons for FMO ...\"I do not have happy days\" Nora
In one sense I wanted to be wished \"Happy Mother\'s Day\" because I still continue to be a mother in my heart. Other times, I did say, when asked how many children I had, I answered that sadly my son passed away, but thank you anyway......
Those people at work... I\'ve no idea what they could have been thinking or not thinking is more likely the case! I have \'lost\' it with some people, namely my brother while I was there, his insensitivity is overwhelming! It\'s simply DUMB.
So sorry you had this.. you can\'t simply walk out on a job. OOOF
LOVE YOU,
Soos
You will always be Eddie\'s mother and you are honored in a deeper sense on the day that celebrates motherhood. It is a state of being that never ceases. We do have to be on guard as to how to deal with the others who are insensitive to what the new deeper meaning is for us who have lost....especially your only child. In fact, I think it brings new meaning to be a mother when we are so aware of our love and loss. You are a better person than me to hold your tongue....I would have told them exactly the sadness of the day. Keep practicing.....you will one day be able to express what you would like to say. And yes, next month it is all to do all over again with Father\'s Day and the grandchildren who have lost their daddy. God bless you, dear friend....love, dale...brandon\'s mom
Dear Linda E,
Thanks to all that is good in the world for those who understand, whether they\'ve gone through the pain of losing a child (especially an only child) like all of us or whether they are sensitive and loving enough to be able to empathize. As for the others, I\'m sorry that they can\'t see. I\'m very grateful for you and my other sisters here who do know. Love to you and Eddie, Linda J
I am so sorry you had such a rough time of it on a \"cruel\" day for those of us so unfortunate enough to be handed this \"childless\" fate. But you are Linda, Mother of Eddie and nothing changes that on this side or the other.
I\'m glad we have this safe place to vent our frustrations with human failings. Love to you....Suzzanne
{{{{HUGS}}}} If only people would think before they opened their mouths!!!!
I wish I could say that I\'m surprised by the insensitive and cruel behavior of your co-workers, but, quite honestly, people get really weird and unpredictable around issues of death and those of us who have lost children. I\'m sorry you had to sit through all the cheery talk ~ so very sorry.
As for the question are you a mother? Oh my gosh ~ Linda ~ of course you are a mother ~ you are Ed\'s one and only most wonderful Mom in the world!!! And you still have plenty of people to nurture and to mother here on earth, as well as nurturing Ed through your constant vigilance, remembrance and prayers for his continued well-being. You have your granddaughter and great-granddaughter, not to mention the people you work with. Everyone needs mothering. I worked for many years as an office manager/executive administrator but I was usually referred to as \"office Mom\" because I was the go-to person for basically everything and made sure that everyone was doing okay.
Yes, precious Linda, you ARE still a mother and a Mom ~ but that doesn\'t mean that you need to rejoice in the artificial holidays like Mother\'s Day. We are each in the process of re-defining ourselves and re-establishing new rituals and customs for all holidays, birthdays, etc. But that by no stretch of the imagination means that you are not a mother ~ just the opposite!
Sending much love and big hugs to you and sweet Eddie ~ Debbie
Very insensitive indeed! I\'m sorry you\'ve had to listen to all that rubbish... It\'s really tragic how some people never get it. In a way, I feel sorry for them. You are a mother forever, nothing can change that. You\'re a good mother to.
Sending you kind thoughts and prayers. Suzannah
I really like what Dale said: You will always be Eddie\'s mother and you are honored in a deeper sense on the day that celebrates motherhood. I really think people do NOT intend to be insensitive. We\'ve all put a foot in the mouth. (Yes, this is a really big foot.) I guess I just really want to believe what Anne Frank believed - that people really are \"good at heart\".
Love, prayers, and hugs, Sharon
People can be such blockheads, can\'t they? Sometimes I think the people I deal with are operating at an awareness level somewhere between coma and severely intoxicated.
I\'m sure you never were insensitive like that, Linda. Maybe it\'s our modern life that makes people so insensitive, with all its distractions. People with chronic illness get hit with this kind of thing, too. I\'ve had relatives ask me things like...This doesn\'t interfere with your everyday life, right? Oh sure, having a devastating illness is no big deal. I just take an aspirin now and then and have a great time.
I feel like going off at insensitive people, too. I would dearly love to say things like...How can you ask me things like that? Don\'t you ever think before you open your big mouth? But I never do, getting all riled up is only going to ruin my day, and they\'ll just forget what I said inside of a half hour.
I went to the trouble of making dvd copies of an award-winning documentary about my illness and sent it to various relatives. They never even told me they watched it. I guess they just figured I was nuts, because I haven\'t heard from them anymore since then.
Losing a child is one of the very worst things that can happen to person, Linda. You are coping with it in the best way possible, by helping other people who have been through loss. Don\'t pay attention to the blockheads.
That is incredible, Linda! But not that terribly surprising it happened. I have had so much insensitivity also--it is mind boggling. A couple examples...After my first two children died in the wreck, my new mother in law actually dismissed my strict instructions of something I did NOT want her to do (put Kevin down a very steep Alpine slide). I found out she just did it anyway.
And then the time our church rector\'s son returned Kevin back from a playdate at he and his wife\'s house...Kevin told me he drove back, DRIVING and DRINKING (beer, but still!). He knew full well what had happened to my first two children, killed in a wreck (no alcohol involved tho).
People just bypass us when it comes time to choosing sensitivity over whatever they want to do, it seems. Unfair, but happens too often.
I am sorry you had to have such treatment from those you thought were your friends, dear Linda. You deserved much better than that and I only wish they could have acted with more compassion to you. Love+Hugs, Donna
It never ceases to amaze me how clueless people are...I am so sorry...really sorry. It just seems impossible that people that know and love you can not think before they speak. I hope that first mom that asked you how your mothers day was...was kicking herself as she walked away...love to you...Karen
Mothers day sucks. People just go through the motions of everyday life, they don\'t even think about what they say. Everything has become a habit:( Even though I still have one other child, he barely calls, and I was alone again this year without my children:( Heart to heart, Danette