someday I am just gonna lose it
I just have to vent. We all know how brutal holidays are since our child has passed. I have struggled even with my identity since my only child passed. How does one define being a mom? Am i still a mom - I no longer have anyone to mother. I feel that I have worked through some of this but I guess what I need to vent is how insensitive people can be.
I have worked at my current school for 10 years. One of the teachers that I know very well, who is a kind, sweet person actually came up to me this morning and said, "So how was your mother's day?" What in the world are people thinking?! I said,"You know Mary, mothers day is very sad for me now." She nodded. What I wanted to say is "really? You are not seriously asking me that? Yes, it was lovely. My only child is dead! It was wonderful. Thanks for asking!!!"
Then I went down to our weekly manager's meeting & my program director said, "So how was everyone's mothers day?" I said nothing and listened for the next 10 minutes of all of the manager's who all have living children describe their mother's day. Again, I have worked here 10 years. Everyone knows my story. Every other manager including the program director that started this %#!?#! conversation all enjoyed mothers day with their living children. So in my head I acted out all that I will say & do when I finally do lose it one day! I pictured standing up & saying, "Yes, it was a great day, the best!! I brought flowers to the cemetery for Eddie you bunch of idiots. And while I did that I remembered that I will not see him again until I die. Oh, yeah and I get to watch my heartbroken grandchildren, in a couple more weeks, cry on Father's day! At the cemetery,to bring flowers and cards, again!! Thank you all of you who, like me, work in social services, who should know better, for being so insensitive!"
I am pretty sure that I didn't act this insensitive to other's losses even before Ed passed away. At least I hope I was not this insensitive ever. I guess part of it is that now since Ed's been in Heaven for 20 months they really don't think of my loss anymore and I still can't think of much else.
Well thanks for listening to the only people in this world that understand. I needed to let that out!
Hugs, Linda
I have worked at my current school for 10 years. One of the teachers that I know very well, who is a kind, sweet person actually came up to me this morning and said, "So how was your mother's day?" What in the world are people thinking?! I said,"You know Mary, mothers day is very sad for me now." She nodded. What I wanted to say is "really? You are not seriously asking me that? Yes, it was lovely. My only child is dead! It was wonderful. Thanks for asking!!!"
Then I went down to our weekly manager's meeting & my program director said, "So how was everyone's mothers day?" I said nothing and listened for the next 10 minutes of all of the manager's who all have living children describe their mother's day. Again, I have worked here 10 years. Everyone knows my story. Every other manager including the program director that started this %#!?#! conversation all enjoyed mothers day with their living children. So in my head I acted out all that I will say & do when I finally do lose it one day! I pictured standing up & saying, "Yes, it was a great day, the best!! I brought flowers to the cemetery for Eddie you bunch of idiots. And while I did that I remembered that I will not see him again until I die. Oh, yeah and I get to watch my heartbroken grandchildren, in a couple more weeks, cry on Father's day! At the cemetery,to bring flowers and cards, again!! Thank you all of you who, like me, work in social services, who should know better, for being so insensitive!"
I am pretty sure that I didn't act this insensitive to other's losses even before Ed passed away. At least I hope I was not this insensitive ever. I guess part of it is that now since Ed's been in Heaven for 20 months they really don't think of my loss anymore and I still can't think of much else.
Well thanks for listening to the only people in this world that understand. I needed to let that out!
Hugs, Linda
Replies
And I still don\'t have an answer when new people ask me if I have any children. Do I say that I had a daughter and that she is dead? Do I say that I don\'t have any (thereby totally not acknowledging her existence)? Do I say one and hope they don\'t ask her age, where she lives or what she does?
I am totally sure you never behaved in such a stupid, foolish, flat-footed way. I know you Linda, and you are a mother. You mothered a beautiful boy, you grew him within you, bone and flesh, he grew up well and happy, his life was cut short. Mothers\' Day is painful for us and it\'s sad that people who know us well are so insensitive. Get some new friends! Like me! love ya, abby
Oh, Linda... I am so sorry! I just don\'t know what people are \"thinking\" or if they are so self absorbed that they could possibly forget?? It is just not believable especially with those that you have worked with and you would hope would be more sensitive. It is almost surreal to even try to be a part of these conversations, isn\'t it? Just a hug, a recognition, anything would have meant something... I\'m with you my friend sending you a gentle hug and so much understanding. P.S. When I read your conversation that was going on in your head I thought that I often pin a horse\'s ass on their faces when they are speaking and that has helped me... With love, Joanie
Some people just don\'t think. I\'m so sorry about this insensitive conversation. Terry
Damn Mother\'s Day! People are insensitive. I agree with Abby - you are a caring nurturing person - you will always be a mother and you would not be so callous. I suspect you would be the one supporting the bereaved mom and gently reminding the others.
I also agree that people in caring professions should have more consideration.
I hope you have a better week.
Venting is good - and there will always be someone here who understands.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
Linda, I\'m really sorry the world is filled with such idiots. But it explains a lot. We\'re definitely outnumbered. Thank heavens for FMO and good friends. I did have a few morons ask me how my MD was... but I also had a few friends who sent special hugs and greetings for the sad hard work of the day. One person whose daughter died a few years ago left a message on the phone that said, \"Well, I hope you had... just a day.\" She understands.
Love you ~
Sarah
Linda I know for certain you would never feel i was no longer defined as a *daughter* since my Mom passed. You birthed a son You are a *Mother*, in every breath and beat of your heart, forever.
I vented to a friend yesterday how there should be phantom referees that appear in all life instances mirroring that of soccer game referees like in random conversations, after two yellow card warnings for insensitive timing or comments ... the referee holds up a red card and the party is ejected swiftly and without serious disruption. If only! lol. Thinking of you, your day, and your tender heart. Am sending phantom referees to shepherd your way, with love.
xoDe
Dear Linda, I am so sorry you had to be subjected to such insensitivity....sometimes people who should KNOW BETTER just don\'t get it....first of all yes, absolutley you are still a Mother, you are your precious Eddie\'s Mother and always will be.When I am asked how many children I have I say 2 and always will...I will never, simply for the comfort of others, not mention Mitch.Maybe when you are ready you can approach those you feel close to openly and honestly about how you feel, or it just may come our just as you have seen it in your mind.I am so glad you shared this with us, this is definitly something you needed to get out... I hope tomorrow is a better day for you, I will be thinking about you.
Sending you gentle hugs, my friend, Love Charlene
Hi Linda,
I am sorry you were hurt. I am not sure why people think people should be over your grief in a couple of weeks, a couple months at most. Maybe you should pin a note on your blouse that says, \"I did not have a good Mother\'s Day. My son died and Mother\'s Day is really painful for me so please don\'t even ask.\" I think it should be shaped like a STOP sign with red letters. With love, Leda
Oh my gosh...you pulled the words right out of my mouth. Like you, I couldn\'t believe that someone at work asked me if I had a good Mothers Day. What the $@&$??? I wanted to scream!!! Yeah, right...had a dreamy day...sitting at the cemetery \"hanging out\" with my only 2 children! That\'s where their bodies now reside. I really started to wonder if I had done such a good job of holding it together in front of them that maybe they forgot? Not for a second do I think you would have ever been so insensitive...even before you were thrown onto this path. You always will be Eddie\'s loving mother...nothing changes that. I\'m glad you vented...it helped me to vent a little too! Guess that\'s another thing to be thankful for...sisters of the heart that truly understand and hold each others hands. So much love to you, Valerie
I\'m so sorry. All I can offer is what I have to do and that is remind myself that I was probably not one to truly understand how a mother felt after losing a child before I lost one myself. I don\'t think people tend to be insensitive so all we can do is forgive them and as hard as it is, we truly don\'t ever want them to be in our shoes and know how we feel. However, I\'m sure glad it\'s over. Sending you prayers for a gentler week. Love Robin
No wait, ummm. I got a message on face book at some time after 12 am from my little sister wishing me happy mothers day....then i get up on my cell phone i have 3 tex messages wishing me happy mohters day. then at 10 pm from my bf i get a message saying happy mothers day. can i say what the #%%^. Yumm...Ya Happy kl@@#%$ mothers day to me thank you so very much. I know it has been 5 yrs but I just can\'t take it and almost lost control yesteday and all i wanted to do was find somthing and beat the u know what out of something. So yes KLinda I am with you. Love you and be good to yourself. I know we all are still mothers but you know what sometimes that is just not very comforting because the one child your only child isn\'t here to give you hugs and tell you they love you. I miss my son so darn much.
i did lose it!!! on facebook everyone was wishing me a happy mothers day and i told them all , listen up, fuck mothers day and the lady who invented it should be shot. i am not nice on that day. they might as well hear it and if they dont like what i say, fuck em.
Last Mother\'s Day was my first without Cory. I questioned whether I was still a mother. This year I didn\'t think much of the upcoming day, didn\'t dread it or plan for it although I knew most people would be celebrating. My husband and went to a musical and dinner. That was planned before hand not knowing it was mother\'s day. At dinner I could see mother\'s with flowers and gifts. I certainly felt happy for them and an emptiness for myself. I thought of Cory so much that day and everyday. I know people are excited for themselves and many too insensitive but I know that my day was good because I had a son I loved once in a lifetime. I called my sisters who are mothers. I posted on facebook to friends and family. I received a call from a friend knowing the day might be hard and a special e-mail from another. I was thankful that a few people were brave enough to speak to a childless mother. I wish there were more not for sympathy but to say they remembered Cory. Mother\'s Day will always stab us in the heart but what day doesn\'t. We just learn to live with it and enjoy what we can. Many hugs to you each and everyday day. Peggy
I understand completely, I to almost lost it at brunch. How many more \"Happy Mothers Day\" comments am I supposed to take before I just go off the deep end? Not every woman that walks through a door has children! Love ya, Angela