Some Observations
Dear Fred; I thought today I would share a few observations I have made during the past week or so. I guess, since you are my journal, you really don't have much to say in the matter but thank you anyway for giving me a place to write down a few thoughts.
I have found that keeping "The Daily Book" I wrote about a while back helps to keep me focused and in a more positive space. When I stop recording what I have done each day I soon feel lost and notice that my emotions seem to go down hill. For some reason recording what I actually DO during the day helps the day to feel more real and it helps me accomplish more than without it. (I also make a "To Do List" but the Daily Book is where I record how the day actually went. It helps me when I do not get all the "To Do List "done I can look at the Daily Book and recognized I still accomplished something during the day. It also helps me to list 3 good things about the day in Thee Daily Book right before bedtime.
I have found that I cry on the outside much less than at first. When I do cry it is for shorter perios of time. However, there still are many times I hurt so badly inside I would love to cry but no tears come. I just ache... tummy, back, head and neck. The tummy and the heart area hurt the very most. I still do cry at times.... usually when I least expect or want to. Makes me wonder if I have an "evil twin" lurking inside that is playing these emotional tricks on me.
I have also observed that although Nick did not believe in God or any sort of life after our Earthly death I do feel better when I consider the possibility that this one time in his life he may have been wrong. I have started to pray now & then and also have found a church that I could be comfortable going to. It is nondenominational and mainly teaches from the Bible, praises God and encourages kindness. I think I can handle this type of approach. I know I do feel better when I include a little of this in to my life.
I find that I am more and more restless. I seem to be pulling away from others and at the same time I feel fidgety at home. The computer games, television and CDs no longer hold my attention as they used to.
I am finding that I am starting to actually feel some enjoyment from some of the activities I do or places I have gone. I do not dread returning home now but as soon as I walk through the door my enthusiasm crashes and I am just a door mat for a while. I wish I could find a way to avoid this. I think of all the things to do when I get home. Then, all motivation vanishes the second I am actually home. Sometimes I can make myself do a few things but other times I am back to being a slug!
I have found that my attempts at volunteering have not turned out well. The things I chose were too isolating even if they were very worthwhile things to do. It was still more "alone time" added to the "alone time" I experience at home. I have thought of two different civic groups to join. However, my "evil twin" talks me right out of it and takes away courage to actually take the steps to join. Currently she is telling me that before I can do any of these things I must lose weight. And, since I don't, this self-talk keeps me in limbo. My husband loved and lived life so well I feel quite guilty about being in limbo for so long. Once again, I feel like I am fighting an internal "evil twin". Personally I think she needs to go somewhere & get lost and leave the better part of me here to heal.
That's if for now, Fred. Thank you for recording these little observations for me.
Darlene August 17, 2012
I have found that keeping "The Daily Book" I wrote about a while back helps to keep me focused and in a more positive space. When I stop recording what I have done each day I soon feel lost and notice that my emotions seem to go down hill. For some reason recording what I actually DO during the day helps the day to feel more real and it helps me accomplish more than without it. (I also make a "To Do List" but the Daily Book is where I record how the day actually went. It helps me when I do not get all the "To Do List "done I can look at the Daily Book and recognized I still accomplished something during the day. It also helps me to list 3 good things about the day in Thee Daily Book right before bedtime.
I have found that I cry on the outside much less than at first. When I do cry it is for shorter perios of time. However, there still are many times I hurt so badly inside I would love to cry but no tears come. I just ache... tummy, back, head and neck. The tummy and the heart area hurt the very most. I still do cry at times.... usually when I least expect or want to. Makes me wonder if I have an "evil twin" lurking inside that is playing these emotional tricks on me.
I have also observed that although Nick did not believe in God or any sort of life after our Earthly death I do feel better when I consider the possibility that this one time in his life he may have been wrong. I have started to pray now & then and also have found a church that I could be comfortable going to. It is nondenominational and mainly teaches from the Bible, praises God and encourages kindness. I think I can handle this type of approach. I know I do feel better when I include a little of this in to my life.
I find that I am more and more restless. I seem to be pulling away from others and at the same time I feel fidgety at home. The computer games, television and CDs no longer hold my attention as they used to.
I am finding that I am starting to actually feel some enjoyment from some of the activities I do or places I have gone. I do not dread returning home now but as soon as I walk through the door my enthusiasm crashes and I am just a door mat for a while. I wish I could find a way to avoid this. I think of all the things to do when I get home. Then, all motivation vanishes the second I am actually home. Sometimes I can make myself do a few things but other times I am back to being a slug!
I have found that my attempts at volunteering have not turned out well. The things I chose were too isolating even if they were very worthwhile things to do. It was still more "alone time" added to the "alone time" I experience at home. I have thought of two different civic groups to join. However, my "evil twin" talks me right out of it and takes away courage to actually take the steps to join. Currently she is telling me that before I can do any of these things I must lose weight. And, since I don't, this self-talk keeps me in limbo. My husband loved and lived life so well I feel quite guilty about being in limbo for so long. Once again, I feel like I am fighting an internal "evil twin". Personally I think she needs to go somewhere & get lost and leave the better part of me here to heal.
That's if for now, Fred. Thank you for recording these little observations for me.
Darlene August 17, 2012
Replies
Darlene,
very touching journal entry....I can certainly relate to so many of the things you wrote to Fred.....So glad you are finding more positives and places to be where it feels good.....
Mostly my \'evil twin\' is having a heyday! She is the one who sees what is gone, the negative etc.... ....I DON\'T LIKE HER, but I think she needs to be acknowledged or she will not listen at all the the \"good twin\" who wants to see what there is not what there isn\'t....!!
Wishing you love comfort and peace on the path.....hugs...
You are working through self identy and loss. Its the path we follow to acceptance and life. I think you should be very proud of youself and tell that evil twin to get the h**** out of your life. Sharon
Darlene,
I like the evil twin idea---I think I\'ll blame mine for any of my many lackings! I do understand-- I can talk myself out of whatever I think I might do, or go etc. though am getting better about ignoring that crazy person that doesn\'t want to do anything. I am already pretty busy with my work shifts and family around, but sometimes when I think----I should go visit-----, I think, nah---I\'m too tired. I am leaving for Portland tomorrow and almost talked myself out fo the trip, but am committed to going so I will. I still need to finish work today and pack in the am---I think I can have fun.
Hugs and Love, Sallie
Hi Darlene,
I want you to know you are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. It may seem like you are at stand still but you are not.
Yes, it is hard to find what you need to do to volunteer. I found if you are not ready or if you are picking something that you think you should do, it does not always work out.
What we think we should do, sometimes is not what God wants us to do.
I have a prayer for you to ask God for what He would like you to do.
Dear Heavenly Father,
I want to Thank you for all you do for me and for all you have not done for me, because I know that you have something special in mind for me to do.
I am coming to you today, to ask that you use me for your will not my own anyone else.
I am asking that you find the perfect place for me to work for you so that only you can be seeing in me.
You have a calling for me and I am humbly giving it all to you to follow your lead.
I ask this Jesus name,
Amen
Dear Darlene,
if you pray this prayer everyday He will answer it.
Hugs & God Bless,
Judy