Some Explainations
So, first I know I have this depression problem. It's like I'm constantly rebuilding a wall, all day every day. I don't know how my emotions will be in the next 5 seconds and that's the scary thing. Most of the time I just get very sad and cry. But, sometimes I get angry. If I'm not doing something or listening to music constantly, then it's alot worse. When I do get really depressed, I either cry all day long or just don't feel like doing anything with anyone at all. At first I thought there was a pattern to this, but I can get like this randomly, even when I'm doing something I love to do.
Then, I have a bit of an anxiety problem too. It can happen even if the depression isn't as bad. At night it's worse and when I'm hungry it's worse. When I get nervous, that is what can set it off. But, I have to be extremely nervous about something to the point where I feel like I'll get harmed by something out of my control. First, I either feel light headed or my stomach hurts. Then I feel dizzy, then my chest hurts, then my breath gets short, and then I either pass out or I go deaf and blind. When I go deaf and blind, I hear nothing but a very high pitched noise and I see nothing but white, and my whole body is in pain. I usually just stand or sit where I am and wait for it to get better. It usually lasts for about 5 minuets, maybe less. But, that's probably the longest 5 minutes of my life when that happens. I feel like I'm gonna die and just curl up and cover my ears and start crying and wait for everything to be ok again.
I have a few other problems too. I don't know if this is significant enough for me to even mention all of this. But, I mentioned it in the last journal, so I'll do it again. I have trouble with simple math. Like adding and subtracting and counting things. I can do it, it just takes a while. Remembering things is difficult too. I can remember what day it is, what time it is, and where I'm going. It's just hard to remember what people said to me or what I need to do. I feel like I have a very short term memory with that. I also think I have a bit of a hearing problem with hearing people talk. I am really good at hearing different types of sounds. Just hearing someone say words is really difficult for my brain to understand what was said. Idk how to explain it. It's like you can say "how are you" and what my brain mostly hears is the noise and the tone, not the words. I speak with a bit of a slur, it's gotten better because I've been trying to improve my speech, so people can understand me better. I have a major problem remembering left and right. Like, it'll take me a while to think of which side is my left side.
That's really it as far as stuff like that. There are things in my past that I don't wanna talk about that have alot to do with the way I am. Also, when I am on my period everything is 10 thousand times worse than usual.
I'm trying to think of ways to help myself get better or just live with this. I really don't know which to do. I feel like I should be able to get over these things. People think "you're bad in math, just work harder and practice more". I've been horrible in math all my life, the simple math. I've had tutors, I've tried math games, I tried flash cards, I've stayed with teachers tryin to help me, I tried working my way up from the waay basics of math. I probably spent more time with math than any other subject when I was in school. I would remember it when I was in the class room, then when I get home I'd forget and come back the next day not remembering what I learned. It was always like that for 14 years of being in math classes.
I'm really really good with music, art, english, and literature.
Anyway, I just thought I'd write this before I feel horrible. I felt fine this whole journal, but I feel something about to happen soon.
Then, I have a bit of an anxiety problem too. It can happen even if the depression isn't as bad. At night it's worse and when I'm hungry it's worse. When I get nervous, that is what can set it off. But, I have to be extremely nervous about something to the point where I feel like I'll get harmed by something out of my control. First, I either feel light headed or my stomach hurts. Then I feel dizzy, then my chest hurts, then my breath gets short, and then I either pass out or I go deaf and blind. When I go deaf and blind, I hear nothing but a very high pitched noise and I see nothing but white, and my whole body is in pain. I usually just stand or sit where I am and wait for it to get better. It usually lasts for about 5 minuets, maybe less. But, that's probably the longest 5 minutes of my life when that happens. I feel like I'm gonna die and just curl up and cover my ears and start crying and wait for everything to be ok again.
I have a few other problems too. I don't know if this is significant enough for me to even mention all of this. But, I mentioned it in the last journal, so I'll do it again. I have trouble with simple math. Like adding and subtracting and counting things. I can do it, it just takes a while. Remembering things is difficult too. I can remember what day it is, what time it is, and where I'm going. It's just hard to remember what people said to me or what I need to do. I feel like I have a very short term memory with that. I also think I have a bit of a hearing problem with hearing people talk. I am really good at hearing different types of sounds. Just hearing someone say words is really difficult for my brain to understand what was said. Idk how to explain it. It's like you can say "how are you" and what my brain mostly hears is the noise and the tone, not the words. I speak with a bit of a slur, it's gotten better because I've been trying to improve my speech, so people can understand me better. I have a major problem remembering left and right. Like, it'll take me a while to think of which side is my left side.
That's really it as far as stuff like that. There are things in my past that I don't wanna talk about that have alot to do with the way I am. Also, when I am on my period everything is 10 thousand times worse than usual.
I'm trying to think of ways to help myself get better or just live with this. I really don't know which to do. I feel like I should be able to get over these things. People think "you're bad in math, just work harder and practice more". I've been horrible in math all my life, the simple math. I've had tutors, I've tried math games, I tried flash cards, I've stayed with teachers tryin to help me, I tried working my way up from the waay basics of math. I probably spent more time with math than any other subject when I was in school. I would remember it when I was in the class room, then when I get home I'd forget and come back the next day not remembering what I learned. It was always like that for 14 years of being in math classes.
I'm really really good with music, art, english, and literature.
Anyway, I just thought I'd write this before I feel horrible. I felt fine this whole journal, but I feel something about to happen soon.
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