Some days I love it, some days I hate it
Honestly that's how it is here (where I live) and it's real important to me that I get used to the discomfort and not let it stop me from achieving things, that I want and need to do!:)
Honestly that's how it is here (where I live) and it's real important to me that I get used to the discomfort and not let it stop me from achieving things, that I want and need to do!:)
Replies
I wrote this to my new therapist after our conversation today. Thank you again…. I really appreciate today's talk.
I am trying to stay motivated. Sometimes I am positive and
active - sometimes I am disillusioned and fragmented.
I wrote about earlier needing to be ok with being uncomfortable
and still motivated for doing the things I want and need to do
to create my life. I don't know if it is an aspect of autism or schizoaffective,
but I tend to think in images or I'd like to - but quite frankly it's a little
like holding onto shards of a mirror or glass at this point while keeping motivated
because of the realities
(and then being unsuccessful in this I tend to get lost in the moment). It's something I hope to get
used to and better at.
Then I wrote:
From this last note, where I articulated my reality, then I had received a call from my Dad, I sensed in him a feeling of falling short and I know that feeling as well for myself, I started to see how i validated myself as well as the way he validated himself or how at least we both attempted to. It made my mind awake to this dynamic in myself and all of us. It gives me a sense of compassion and mission.
I started to see the extreme form of validation I create around myself…..a whole world ??? The environment I live in is very forgiving, allows for that and for that fact I am here and feel safe….i also see the way others validate themselves in the world they’ve created for themselves. Again, mine is an uncommon choice, it’s very forgiving of my occasional psychosis. I do live in my own bubble, even at the monastery, I get glimpses of the reality the sisters live in sometimes. I wonder if I might create another life someday or somewhere that would equivalently couch me in such forgiveness and comfort. I feel like I’m growing and getting a view of the whole life I’d create for myself and not just hide out with Blue, like I used to. Actually this is me classically wondering about more. I’m grateful but perhaps just preparing.