Some days are better than others

Today was a fairly good day. At least there was no arguing between myself and my boyfriend, and we actually spent some time playing a board game - ( laughing and smiling at each other while we were playing it ). Still deep down in my soul I could sense the darkness lingering. What darkness you may ask ? It's the looming darkness that appeared over every part of my life the moment after mom took her last breath. Life hasn't been the same since then. Everything has been darker, dimmer, and distinctly lackluster. Plus on top of this prevading feeling, I've felt like a key part of me is missing. During that moment that mom passed away it felt like a part of me was cut out of my heart, and my soul. 

Since I didn't make a distinct effort to hide my misery, you would have thought that someone in my family would have approached me with a hug, or at least with a shoulder to cry on. But no ! No comforting words were said; not at the house during mom's last moments, and not even at the memorial service. So with this occuring it was clear to me that mom's passing has ripped apart the family to an extent where nothing of it exists anymore. There is no true family unit now. I do still talk to one of my sisters. Yet even with her it's an " on again... off again " sort of thing. My other sister I never hear from, and I definitely never talk to my brother. In fact, during mom's memorial service my brother made a very clear effort to act like I didn't even exist. 

At least for this last month, or so, I've been trying hard to see a " reason " for living... instead of just allowing myself to sink into bottomless pits of despair. So far my efforts have been working. I plan on continuing my efforts. I hope, and pray that my boyfriend will actually stick by me, and " stay " this time. If he ends up leaving I don't know how I would handle it. It could potentially throw me over " the edge ", making it practically impossible for me to pull myself out of it.