Sober New Year

I am in a fairly good mood today.  Yesterday was marked the first time I have been sober through the holidays in 16 years.

The holidays were busy yet emotional.  But I hung through it.  I am quite grateful for the 12-step program that has meant a lot to me since September.  I have a few friends now who I can call.  That's a pretty big deal.  I've been living in this city for 9 years and this is the most I've hung around other people.  It seems that beneath it all, people really enjoy my company.  I do feel like I've been hiding under a rock for all these years since leaving the military.

As if I need confirmation of what I've been going through and up against... on Sunday I bought the New York Times.  The cover article for the magazine was about a Marine who learned his role, performed it well at war, but did not know how to live when he came home.

I am learning how to live today.  And I know that I am not alone.

I do have to do somethings to get lined up with the VA.  Fortunately I also met (through chance? luck? the universe?) just the right people who are going to take care of me. 

The fear and anxiety is greatly reduced, compared to what it used to be.  Sitting in a room of 50 people tonight was still a little nerve wracking.  But I kept telling myself that no one was going to harm anyone.  Everyone there had each other's best interest at heart.  Including me.

I am on an upward trajectory, although there is still pain and obstacles to overcome.  Like my failing marriage.  One painful realization came when I suddenly realized that I was supposed to refer to her as my ex. 

Maybe that seems obvious to people with a lot of relationship experience, but it caught me offguard.  The relationship just isn't going to grow, and it hasn't.  I am ready to let go but I have no idea what that transition will look like.

Fortunately, I have some wise people to call for advice.

I was so far out there on the edge of the world.  No one even knew what trouble I was in.  But I know I don't have to live that way anymore.

What a relief.  Whatever happens... I am really looking forward to the new year.

J.P.