So Tired.... Of Everything...

I'm at the end of my rope..... 

I don't know which way to turn anymore. I've been trying hard to stay positive, but lately I just can't seem to make myself see a light at the end of this tunnel. 

I don't know how much more of this I can handle. I've been strong for so long, but at some point I want this insanity to STOP ! I want to get OFF this rollercoaster ride ! 

Even if I wanted to... which I DON'T ... I wouldn't do anything " crazy ", because my sister Joanne would surely VERY mistakenly blame herself ! She would NEVER forgive herself, and I just couldn't do that to her. It was the same when Mom was still alive. I knew Mom would have blamed herself, and after everything she did to raise our family in a loving home I could have never done that to her. 

So.... where does this leave me ? 

I wish to GOD that I knew. 

My sister Joanne was full of ideas, but I didn't have the heart to tell her that none of them were very practical, or useful, at all. She was trying to help, and I love her for that. 

So here I am..... 

in the tunnel still.... 

day after day... night after night... no true peace... nothing to truly count on 100 percent... because from one moment to the next I never truly know WHAT will happen !!!!