SO, SO TIRED!
Sunday evening, 9-28-08: I am so tired of this journey! Seems like there is hardly ever a break. Oh, things are different now. But, I still think of Scott at least every 2nd or 3rd thought, it seems. Some memories are good. Most. But some..... Today was really difficult. We were putting the pool away and I could not get my mind of Scott. I guess maybe because it is Sunday....they are always tough since he died on a Sunday...and maybe because my last real time with Scott was spent in that pool the day before he died. Also, Chris' birthday was Friday, the 26th. Adam was at work so that only left me, Craig, and Chris for the birthday dinner. His Grandpa did come later for cake and ice cream. Scott would've been there. Family celebrations were always so important to him. Even at his worst he would straighten up long enough for a family get-together. It was a mixed day. I am so blessed to have Chris. He turned 29. On the sad side, the number of empty chairs just keeps growing. Mom is down to her last two days of radiation. She has done very well but is so tired, now. And, she is beginning to have some skin irritation around her surgical scar. I don't know anything about cancer treatment....I wonder if it is "catching up" with her. She really hasn't had any side effects until now. Craig had a bit of a melt down last night. Part of it is missing Scott so much. The other part is me. He is frustrated and sad that I am so sad. He wants to fix it. I told him he is not responsible for my happiness. I also reminded him I am not, nor will I ever be, the person I was 15 months ago. I am still adjusting to this new me. I still don't know this new self. It is like I am missing a limb and trying to figure out how to manage life without it. He is also worried about some business stuff. A couple of years ago Craig sold his business of 35 years. The person who bought it was young. Along with the purchase of the business, he rented our building. It took him less that 2 years to run the whole thing into the ground. That isn't our problem. The problem is he is several months behind in rent. There are also very expensive repairs he has to make on the asphalt from things he did. He was supposed to be moved out on the 20th and then asked to extend it to the 1st. Well, the 1st is almost here and from what we can tell, he isn't even close. We can't get the key back until he is out. At least not without going to court, which we dont want to do. The time it takes and the added expense seems to just be a huge pain. We aren't even charging him anything for breaking the lease. So, without the key, we cannot show the building to any potential lessees or buyers. We hadn't planned on selling the building but if the price is right..... Anyway, all of this is taking a real toll on Craig. And that is taking a toll on me. I keep telling him it will all work out. But, it seems to be a man thing..... The biggest problem, at the moment, is taxes coming up. That is not really a problem, though, because we are ready for it. I think he is projecting into Dec. '09. I keep telling him the future is our imagination and to, please, stay in the moment! I am just so, so tired.
Replies
i sure understand ur feelings.....
its 27 months for me and im still struggling everyday...its a rough road were walking....ill never get use to it...ur not alone...i understand and i care...hugging u tight and walking right beside ya...love ya
It is so hard. I think aobut Alex all the time too. I do find happiness in each day...so that keeps me going...but Alex and thoughts of him are ever present. I got out photo albums yesterday and looked at pics of him when he was little...about the age of Evie...and they looked so much alike...it was uncanny. I cried. Then, I went on with the day. I guess this is what we do now.(16 months for me)...Karen
The best we can do is ride out our emotional tide of pain. I know how intense it is - and I agree, I think of Shaun every other thought as well. We have been deeply shocked; and the stress still remains.
God knows our hearts and minds; I\'ve had people get aggravated with me about my constant feelings over Shaun, but I can\'t let that bother me. My feelings are what they are - and no one, or no thing can change them. Hopefully the situation with the man who bought the business will resolve soon - that\'s added stress on you that you don\'t need. Have a blessed week honey - always here for you.
I think our children consume most every thought, atleast my son does. I don\'t have the deep anguish and sorrow I did last year but it\'s a void that never fills. Those empty chairs are hard to vision. I hope all goes well with your building. You\'d think we\'d have smooth sailing after what we\'ve been through but it just slaps us in the face, that life really does go on and we are not exempt to future problems. You\'re so right though, we can\'t worry about the future. It will happen with or without us. Hope you find some happiness this week. Love Robin
It is never, ever easy. I know exactly what you mean! I go for a few hours sometimes if I\'m really busy and then, just one little thought will plunge me so far into the pain again! I have been trying to keep as busy as my body will allow (my joints are flaring so right now is not good)but it does help to be busy!
Have been working on getting things ready for our charity donation--cleaning out a closet with hubby\'s help and \"there it was\"--the \"coat of many colors\"--When Jamie was in kindergarten we discovered he was color blind--he colored us a \"green squirrel\" and when I asked him what color squirrels were, he said, \"brown\", so he learned that when a teacher said to take the \"green\" crayon, he read the colors on the crayon. He could see well, red, royal blue, yellow, and other bright colors, so my mother knitted him a gorgeous sweater for winter in bright variegated colors that he loved! When he grew up, he always kept that sweater because \"Grammy\" made it and he loved her so, he loved that sweater, and said if he ever had a child--he\'d want them to have it. So. he asked me to keep it for him, so it wouldn\'t get lost--and here it was! I felt like a knife went through my heart and just couldn\'t stop crying.--what do I do with it now??
I hope you have a peaceful day, Hon! Love, judy
Have you thought about calling a locksmith for your building? A lot cheaper than going to court!! I sure know what you mean about not being the same person. I\'m still trying to figure out who this new me is! Just know that you are not alone on this journey. We\'ll hold each other up the best we can! (14 1/2 months for me). Love and hugs, Cyn
I know it is hard between my husband and I. Things are different now. It is such a struggle. You both need to take it one step at a time. One thing we have been doing is watching movies together. Its not much, but its a start. Love Joanne
The roller coaster ride never seems to end. Hope you got your building back Cyn had a good idea. Love and hugs cathy