SO, SO TIRED!

Sunday evening, 9-28-08:  I am so tired of this journey!  Seems like there is hardly ever a break.  Oh, things are different now.  But, I still think of Scott at least every 2nd or 3rd thought, it seems.  Some memories are good.  Most.  But some.....   Today was really difficult.  We were putting the pool away and I could not get my mind of Scott.  I guess maybe because it is Sunday....they are always tough since he died on a Sunday...and maybe because my last real time with Scott was spent in that pool the day before he died.   Also, Chris' birthday was Friday, the 26th.  Adam was at work so that only left me, Craig, and Chris for the birthday dinner.  His Grandpa did come later for cake and ice cream.  Scott would've been there.  Family celebrations were always so important to him.  Even at his worst he would straighten up long enough for a family get-together.  It was a mixed day.  I am so blessed to have Chris.  He turned 29.  On the sad side, the number of empty chairs just keeps growing. Mom is down to her last two days of radiation.  She has done very well but is so tired, now.  And, she is beginning to have some skin irritation around her surgical scar.  I don't know anything about cancer treatment....I wonder if it is "catching up" with her.  She really hasn't had any side effects until now. Craig had a bit of a melt down last night.  Part of it is missing Scott so much.  The other part is me.  He is frustrated and sad that I am so sad.  He wants to fix it.  I told him he is not responsible for my happiness.   I also reminded him I am not, nor will I ever be, the person I was 15 months ago.  I am still adjusting to this new me.  I still don't know this new self.  It is like I am missing a limb and trying to figure out how to manage life without it.  He is also worried about some business stuff. A couple of years ago Craig sold his business of 35 years.  The person who bought it was young. Along with the purchase of the business, he rented our building.  It took him less that 2 years to run the whole thing into the ground.  That isn't our problem.  The problem is he is several months behind in rent.  There are also very expensive repairs he has to make on the asphalt from things he did.  He was supposed to be moved out on the 20th and then asked to extend it to the 1st.  Well, the 1st is almost here and from what we can tell, he isn't even close.  We can't get the key back until he is out.  At least not without going to court, which we dont want to do. The time it takes and the added expense seems to just be a huge pain.  We aren't even charging him anything for breaking the lease.  So, without the key, we cannot show the building to any potential lessees or buyers.  We hadn't planned on selling the building but if the price is right.....  Anyway, all of this is taking a real toll on Craig.  And that is taking a toll on me.  I keep telling him it will all work out.  But, it seems to be a man thing.....  The biggest problem, at the moment, is taxes coming up.  That is not really a problem, though, because we are ready for it.  I think he is projecting into Dec. '09.  I keep telling him the future is our imagination and to, please, stay in the moment!   I am just so, so tired.