So sad

It is the holidays which never helps me, but just so sad and alone.  People just don't like me.   At work this week I was running around trying to put out fires cause the manager wasn't there and overheard people talking about me.   They were all chilling in the break room and overheard "oh she likes to be busy".  Stuck my head in and said I really don't my personality type just needs to get work done.  Well not a popular move.  Then got told I am always little miss perfect.   So sorry I do work very hard and am always trying to make sure things are taken care of.   I do it at home too and everyone hates me for it.  Trying to be organized and keep my ducks lined up, but apparently it is the most annoying thing ever.

At Thanksgiving dinner at my middle son's house yesterday my daughter in law (of my oldest son) tells me I need to stop msging oldest son.  I bugged him too much about coming by and he was starting to get annoyed at me and I should msg her instead.  I told her I was just trying to find out if they were coming.  He never told me.   Went and apologized to him and he said well I told you last week.   He didn't.  In fact I went back through my msgs for that day.  I asked what they were doing today.  He said going to her parents house at 2pm.  Said he MIGHT stop by if the timing worked out, what time was middle son having his thing.  I said 2-5.  Then asked if they could stop by on their way up as sure they would be there cooking.   I got no response.

I msged one more time.  No respone so let it go until showed up at middle's house and he was having a bad day.   He was totally convinced oldest doesn't like him and that is why they didn't come for dinner and I thought how much it would help if oldest stopped by and proved him wrong so msged again maybe they could stop on way home.   He then replied they were planning on it.

That was it.  4 msgs during the day and 2 he didn't reply too.   Never once did he say he was coming until that last msg.  I jsut wanted to know if they were coming, that was all.  It just doesn't seem that much to me, but I was nagging too much.    I am supposed to be more flexible.  I hear it at work too where schedules for tomorrow change at  6pm the night before.  

I guess no one in the world likes order anymore.  It is all about last minute and chaos.  People who plan and work hard are annoying and to be hated.  Yup that's me.  Miss OCD who everyone dispises.

I had a really bad night.  Came home and cried in the bathroom as quietly as I could.  Clawed up my arm a bit.  Might need to wear long sleeves today, but then no one really notices much about me so maybe not.  Only three spots with scabs the rest was just red marks that faded over night.   Laid in bed a long time thinking things would be better if I wasn't around and wondering if anyone would miss me.  

Husband was sleeping downstairs again due to his snoring, which is my fault I can't sleep through it and try to wake him up.  He is tired of me poking at him all night and went downstairs 4 days ago.  I was sleeping so much better and feeling really good about it yesterday.  Today I realize it is just another person who I annoy.

Put my try up yesterday.  Bought a new one last year as all my kids were supposed to be moved out this year and I wanted a new tradition.  It is very pretty, but middle son harping on how I got rid of his childhood.  I kept all the ornaments and offered his to him last year when I bought the tree, but he wants the old one.  Ruined the nice feeling I had looking at my pretty red and gold tree.

Just everything sucks.  Nothing is right with my world and it never will be unless I become someone I am not cause no one can love what I am.