SO SAD!
It is late Sat. night or early Sun......Father's Day. We lost Scott on Father's Day 2007, although his actual angel date is June 17th. I am so sad. I remember I saw him alive last the night before about 9:30 p.m. I told him to be careful and I loved him. He gave me a cockeyed grin and left. At about 10:30 a.m. ( Father's Day) I heard him get up to go to the bathroom. He called his Grandpa, who he was supposed to plant a tree with, and told him he wasn't feeling well. (I didn't know about that until later..) I got up shortly after. I didn't check on him...no reason...I had heard him use the restroom. About 4 p.m. his Dad and I went to the pool. I listened at his door. I heard his breath. It sounded "funny" like when my mother-in-law died. I almost opened the door and thought, "No, I am waking him at 5:30 p.m. He needs to sleep and I don't want to deal with him "messed up". So selfish!!! I will always regret that decision. When I went in at 5:30, he was dead. I screamed for Craig. I called 911. I didn't do CPR. Craig beat on his chest. According to the ME he died about 4:30 p.m. What if I had gone in at 4 p.m. ? What if I had done CPR? I sensed it in the pool. I told Craig I really felt his Mom's presence. (She died in 2006) I talked about an old landlord who had lost their son. (23 yrs. ago) What if I had come back in to check on him? Would Scott be alive today????? I will always have that guilt, that demon. I feel like I knew and didn't act. I feel like I let my son die. So many times I took a shower before I checked on him saying to myself he won't be any less dead in a few minutes. It is something we had been dealing with for so long! I would give anything to be dealing with it now. I guess I just didn't really believe I could lose my son. Or, I really didn't want to face it. Or, I am a very selfish, cowardly woman/Mom I don't know!!!! My therapist says, "You were tired." I was. But what the hell kind of reason was that?!?!?!? I was tired when he was born and nursing every 2 hrs. I managed that!!! I miss my baby so much! And now, I have Melissa, too. I wonder did she suffer. Her mom called this morning. She was so sad. It has just been 3 wks. I am caught between 2 worlds of grief, it seems. I went to a funeral today. (Sat.) It was Craig's best friends Dad. I was sad for the family as it is the worst pain they have know. I whispered to his Dad, in his casket, please say hello to Scott for me. I just feel so lost.......'
Replies
I\'m so sorry for your pain honey. That\'s all I know to say. I love you and I\'m hugging you tight. Love, Barbara
I truly believe in my heart, that you trusted enough, that he would be ok. The guilt must feel so heavy, but honey you can not carry it anymore - the grief of the loss is enough pain. Let go Ginger, and let God - I know it\'s just words, but find the meaning of them, and stay on the path of healing. I feel so bad for you right now, and I wish I could just sit and talk with you, one on one and help you much more than this. Remember I am always here, and I can message you my phone # at any time. Love to you today -
i understand ur pain and sadness...hugging u tight..luv u
Ginger I\'m so sorry that you have so much pain right now.I did the same thing guilt!!!! I should of called him.But now I understand that it wasn\'t my fault he chose to take those drugs don\'t get me wrong I miss Justin so much it seems like it\'s getting worse.I do believe our sons don\'t want us to be so sad and helpless.But we are Mother\'s who had 2 good sons and we got to spend some time with them for 20 years I\'m glad I got to see Justin grow up.As your 1 year comes give me a call I know how hard it was and you need big hugs and a shoulder to lean on I\'m right here.You take care of yourself ginger I know it\'s a rough time right now.Love and hugs.jfm24,Vicki
Ginger my heart goes out to you ,Like Denim said you cant cant carry this anymore
you have to let it go
Love you
were all here for you, and Iam praying for you
Caroline
Living those moments over and over are so hard. I think that is normal to relive it all...I pray that one day you will forgive yourself for what \"you think\" that you should have done. I pray for peace for you...love you...Karen
We are never prepared to lose and child, no one thinks they are going to have to bury a child. Thats why we are in such pain. We aren\'t prepared. You shouldn\'t feel guilty sweetie, you were being a mom. You were thinking of your son, you wanted him to get his rest. There is no shame in that. Take Care, love and hugs.
I know what you are feeling, my Jamie\'s \"angel\" date is coming next month. I talked to him that morning on the phone and I will always feel I didn\'t say enough--I know I told him \"we love you\", but did he KNOW? Of course, he did, and I had no real control over what happened and neither did you. It was his time to go home and you have to believe that. It is NOT your fault!! Peace to you, my friend. Judy
awww honey! please let the shoulda, coulda, woulda\'s go. we are parents. we thought this would never happent to us. we thought we were the great protectors. just know that we all go through these days of wonder. you are not alone. love you! ~~ charlayne
Ginger please honey don\'t be so hard on yourself. I know i have felt alot of guilt also but i have got to learn to turn it over to someone higher up. It is the only way i can get through this. I am always here for you day or night. love ya sheri
As Mothers who have lost children, I think all of us have memories of times with our kids when we think to ourselves \"I wish I had also done this or that too\" now that we know that there won\'t be any other times now for us to spend with our loved child. It is only natural but it doesn\'t change anything unfortunately. Until they can perfect a time machine this is just the way it is. My best wishes to you in dealing with this horrible loss.
Ginger, lots of times I\'ve had those \"whisperings\" to do something and haven\'t. Just as you, I\'ve regretted them too. I try to listen more carefully now but we\'re only human. All who have lost a child have guilt to some degree. It\'s heavy and weighs us down. We have to let it go little by little. Remember Scott with that crooked grin and know he was home where he was loved. Hope tomorrow is better. Love Robin
I\'m so sorry for your pain. I truly believe it was Scotts turn to go and nothing you did would have made a difference. I know we as Mom\'s like to think we have control but we don\'t and when you accept that we don\'t control our own lives let alone the universe it becomes easier to accept, this is just the way it is. Be kind to your self, you are now and always were a good Mom. Love and hugs Cathy
Wow, I know how hard that is. After my son passed away, along with his 2 best friends (who were always at my house, like every day!) there was a procession of my son\'s friends passing away in that year, every 2 months, another child from his class, out of nowhere. In this small town, there is one funeral home....and everyone here, especially these young kids, has been in that place many more times then they ever should have had to be....it is such a tragic loss, and every loss of a child we hear about after we lose our child, it rips our heart out all over again....because you are no longer \"Imagingining how the parents feel\" you actuall KNOW how they feel....and that makes you feel helpless all over again. Please be strongs, dear, we need you here...I will be praying, as always, for all of us to get through this life! Love, Carole