So much turmoil today in my heart...

In the past couple of weeks or longer, my heart and mind have been in so much turmoil its been almost unbearable to me. My oldest son, Michael hadn't called me in like 3 weeks til just the other day. I think it was Saturday, October, 26th. He's in federal prison at the moment in Rochester, MN and that alone hurts tremendously because I know that he didn't mean any harm to anyone and really didn't do anything physically wrong to anyone. Maybe shouldn't have shared anything with anyone in regards to the pictures on his phone, but I really don't think it should've been worth the length of time the feds say he has to serve. However, that's not been the more hurtful issue lately. The biggest one has been my youngest daughter's father that I've been unfortunately having to live with for 16+ years now and I really am not respected or understood or cared about in any way in my eyes and heart and soul. Ever since we've had our daughter 15+ years ago, he has talked to me disrespectfully and treated me like a piece of trash that he can handle whenever he damn well wishes to. Yes, he's a covert narcissist and has the Narcissistic Personality Disorder symptoms, but will NEVER get tested for it I'm sure. He has been tested for ADHD and PTSD in the past, but the ADHD was as a kid and his parents made him take medication for it til he was an adult or at the very least an older teen, like 16 or something. I'm not sure of those circumstances exactly. The PTSD was confirmed by a VA counselor I think a few years ago I believe and when he didn't like the things she was trying to get him to accept, he stopped seeing her or having sessions with her. It was over the phone sessions because it would be more often than not while he was at work. This was also around the time we tried couples counseling and I didn't see any progress in our relationship cause the sessions were inconsistent with the clinic we were going to. I was also attending individual counseling outside of our couples counseling, but it was online based with BetterHelp.com. I had gone to counseling for years off and on and so I know when I needed it and when I didn't, so I discontinued the sessions and felt I could handle whatever came my way by myself. See, I've gone to college and do have a couple of degrees under my belt. One is an associates degree in business and the other is a bachelors degree in psychology from the University of Phoenix AZ. I also have been around many people with behavioral and mental health issues for most of my life. I'm also an observer of people's behaviors. I'm a reserved type of person too so I don't speak much unless I have to. Maybe that's part of my issue, but I think the main reason I don't speak up is because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings like they have hurt mine. I shouldn't care about others with how they've treated and talked to me over the years, but I can't help it, its just how I've learned to be as I raised myself more than anyone else has raised me, including my late mother, sadly. I was basically 'tossed' from caregiver to caregiver for most of my childhood and that ust made me really focus on taking care of my own heart myself no matter who I was with or around at any given time. 

Anyways, my youngest son, Charles, turned 29 on Sept 4th this year and he somehow ended up in jail just 2 days after his birthday. I had written him a couple of letters and sent him some money for his books so he could get him a few things while he was there. He didn't call me for the first month he was there and the first time he did call me was about 10 days before he got out. He was there til October 23rd. So about 6 weeks total. He went to court a few times and each time it seemed like his charges were getting reduced and dismissed. There were some really bad ones too. A couple of Assaults, a number of Auto Thefts, a DUI or OUI (his 2nd or third) and other minor offenses to go along with those in different cases. When he got out he didn't and still hasn't called me or contacted me directly yet and I don't really understand why. Other than he might be ashamed of himself with what kind of lifestyle he was living before he went to jail and he's still not sure of himself or he has some resentment towards me for things I had to do in regards to him when he was younger. For example, I haad to put him in a behavioral hospital a couple of times because of his erratic behavior towards me and his grandparents and siblings to a point. Plus towards and during school staff and other students. I also had to put a restraining order against him because he put his youngest sister and a friends son in danger by bringing a gun into the home and waving it around in the early morning hours one morning. I've also called the cops on him once and so has my narcissistic baby daddy that I've hd to live with for many years too. I'm sure the resentment is strong enough subcoonsciously for him that he doesn't realize that I was trying to protect him as well as others around him while he was behaving erratically all those times. 

Now, the things that I haven't really mentioned here is that he's had to deal with the loss of his grandmother (my mom) in June 2022 and a few of his friends and an ex gf a few years ago as well. However, recently, my boys both have lost their biological father just recently. Back in August, shortly before my 54th birthday. I think it really hit the 3 adult kids of mine a lot more than it hit myself. I mean I cared about what happened to him over the years, but I wasn't in contact with him directly for decades. He was a big part of my life when I was younger and I was at one point very much in love with him. However, he was very abusive and he tormented me every chance he got when he was drunk. There were very few times when he wasn't completely sober. I left him after 4 and a half years of marriage in my 20s and I'm so glad I did. The divorce and custody lingered for years after that though and that is something I'll NEVER forget for as long as I live. My heart is still broken from that experience. See, his mom is the mastermind behind the fact that my two boys were separated at a young age and she tried to get the courts to believe that I was an unfit mother by filing cases against me thru DFYS?CPS/OCS or the Office of Child Services. She even got two of my Aunts to go against me and file a claim thru OCS too as well as have them write up a deposition against me and show up in the divorce court hearing once. 

So, with all that being said, tonight, my late ex husband's ex gf and baby momma of his two youngest children reached out to me about making sure I knew that there's a court hearing regarding his estate and that my boys should be included in receiving some of his assets. I have wanted to chat with her for a long time, but never knew what to say or even if she'd reply/respond to anything I had to say since I'm sure my ex and his lovely lother had brainwashed her into thinking I was a bad person and what I apparently did to him all those years ago. Now, I think she has a little bit of an idea that what they told her wasn't the truth. At least I hope that's what she's started to think in regards to our conversation tonight. We'l see if anything comes of it esp if I am allowed to have a say in the court hearing on Thursday, which happens to be Halloween this year. I won't be able to make it in person, but she will give the judge my phone number and hope he or she calls me on thursday. I will have to make sure I'm awake and alert for the call if and when it happens. I should probably write down a few things I would like to say to the judge before then too in case he/she does call. I'll do that after I post this.

OMG, this has to be good enough to write a book. Ive been wanting to start one for a long time and have tried once, but didn't have a direction to go with it and kind of still don't. Maybe I should rethink it and start getting more into writing it. 

So, if you have read this far into this post, I want to say I appreciate your support and understanding as well as your compassion for learning more about me as a person. It means a lot to me believe me. If you have anything that you'd like to say please feel free to message me or leave a comment and I'll try to get back to you asap. Sorry for making this such a long post. I apologize....