So much harder

I hate how some days are harder than others. Today has been one of the hardest I've had in a few days, maybe even in the last week. I miss him so bad that it hurts. I finally watched a movie, well parts of one, and Its the littlest things that set me off. You know before you meet that person who changes everything, when your watching a movie you can long for the kind of love as the couple on screen. Then when that person comes into your life it like a fairytale. And eventually the fairytale wears off, but not in a bad way. Brad and I were not perfect by any means. We had a lot of issues and had to work through a lot. The one thing I always knew was that my life was better with him in it than it was without him. And at the end of the day, no matter how big of an argument we had had, he was the one person I wanted to fall asleep next to. I was miserable when we were apart, but I knew that I had to let him figure things out on his own terms and he did. We finally started working through our issues instead of just trying to walk away from them. This last year was not easy by any means. His health was declining and I was dealing with some issues of my own, but we took care of and supported eachother. That to me was real love. Life can't be a fairytale all the time, but what matters most is what you do when the newness wears off. So now when I look at the couple on screen I know that I'm never going to feel that real love again and it kills me. I just want him back so bad, I would give anything to have him back. I think I've started crying out of nowhere at least 10 times today already. Maybe its that fact that tomorrow will be one month since he's been gone. This pain is like nothing I have ever felt before. And you can't describe it, there are no words that can truly describe this feeling at all. Its something that when you talk to someone who's been through or going through it you don't have to say a thing because they know. None of this probably makes sense, its just me rambling. I just want to cry all day, even though I know it wont help a thing. It won't bring him back, it won't reverse time. I worry about tomorrow and if i'm even going to be able to function if I'm this emotional today.