so many thoughts today - I hope it's ok

so many thoughts today - about christianity - my nature - the outlook and tone that christianity sets for relationships.

for those who are 'meek' - for those who need a great deal of precision, detail and affirmation - for those who are

strong in that they must behave as well but are due theirs -  - today it seemed like an agreement I was reading

in the prayers -it gives us all a focal point and structure - a really socially rational construct - it's beautiful!

right now it reminds me of the passage "Peaceable Kingdom" , where the Lion sleeps with the Lamb-- and beyond this kind of clinical look at it

I am starting to realize more and more that my thoughts on spirituality really appreciates what I am learning and

my sense of religion is deepening.There's greater poignancy, meaning and significance. It's called the rational sacrifice - and indeed it is.

I also thought about the pain I was feeling at the outset of the day - I was noticing that it was real important

for me to recognize that insecurity and vulnerability exist. I know that sounds perhaps a plain

thought - but I found myself wanting the world to be the world of my peace seeking self - that I was obsessing

on the feelings of hurt and trying to avoid things because of insecurity and vulnerability - 

by accepting the human nature of this fact I found myself also more able to see others' insecurity as a result - others' - 

instability -  and competitiveness and fight within them...their humanness - it made me laugh to see how competitive and scrappy

these peace loving nuns can be! :) hehe Did I ever mention that I caught two of them in the kitchen

arm wrestling a while back?? So great!

later on I felt so woeful and tired when I got home - from driving today - I just wanted to complain to a gentle heart

and then I realized I should call my therapist as that is the relationship - and I ultimately admitted

to myself that I was asking myself "what should I do?" and I left that message.

It felt so agency-giving in that I felt empowered to take over my life - at a moment of crisis - I have

gone through a baptism of fire here and

I am learning to take over and give myself what I need - rather than stick to a kind of codependence - in a moment of need.

Things are good., I know I want more from life - but that more - must come - in the form of inventing that thing

I want and would be so adept at.

I am doing prayers better at altar- I just have to chill and give myself time to adapt and habituate the whole

thing. It's actually not that hard - it's just reading prayers out of books - I just have to coordinate the parts

of the service - as well there is the whole communion/liturgy aspect that requires good knife skills

and a steady hand. My illness makes my hands shaky - but I can do it!!