so long

wow i cant belive its been sooo long since my last journal post it all seems so much in my past yet here i am again sitting in front of my computer in tears not knowing what to do feeling inadequate and useless wanting my feeling back i havnt felt in such a long time not a thing medacation made me numb but in a better way to the numbness i have now i just feel so silly going into the doctors all the time im soo not worth there time they could be dealing with sum1 that acctually needs them in the space of time im there im so low atm i wouldnt say i havnt felt low latly i dont think ive had a happy day in ages i feel so dead inside and i dont know how to revive myself theres nothing left to me just this empty shell and i do find myself thinking what is the point of it all im never going to anything constructive with my life im just going to me forever   not good im sorry i dont mean to ramble and im sorry if i bring anyone down i dont mean to i just want to be normal be happy love myself and not want to have this addiction its been so long since my last cut but i dont think theres been one day where i havnt thought about it wanting it somtimes wishing that my boyfriend would leave me so i can get what i want without hurting him i dont want to hurt him nor do i think i can handle the hurt if he left me especially if he left me due to me cutting the cut i so badly want and most the time feel i need :(