So Lonely
I always put Cassi at the center of my life and made her friends my friends. I am so lonely without her and her friends running in and out. To make it even worse nearly all of my friends seem to have abandoned me. I wonder if it's my fault. I am incredibly moody...and if I start feeling too good I start feeling guilty and withdraw. Complicate that with my agoraphobia an inability to get out very much at all...at least I have my husband.
I have had a bad few days and tomorrow may be worse. Sunday was the day my world came to an end and Sundays have always been a bit depressing for me anyway. I don't know why. I want to start going to church but Steve doesn't want to go and I don't want to go by myself.
It' just so hard...people that expect me to be normal and there just is no normal for me anymore.
I want to get better, I really do. I was accused, actually by a mother here, of not wanting to get better but I do, I just don't know how to. I run various ideas through my head...should I get another job...drink, even in the worst moments I consider any sort of drug available to ease my pain (not that I have).
I just look around at my life, my empty, sad life, and wonder "Is this it??? Will it always be???" It's terribly hard to consider years and years of this...sometimes I just have a hard time forcing myself to the one day at a time thing...
Does everyone have their lives together except me???
I have had a bad few days and tomorrow may be worse. Sunday was the day my world came to an end and Sundays have always been a bit depressing for me anyway. I don't know why. I want to start going to church but Steve doesn't want to go and I don't want to go by myself.
It' just so hard...people that expect me to be normal and there just is no normal for me anymore.
I want to get better, I really do. I was accused, actually by a mother here, of not wanting to get better but I do, I just don't know how to. I run various ideas through my head...should I get another job...drink, even in the worst moments I consider any sort of drug available to ease my pain (not that I have).
I just look around at my life, my empty, sad life, and wonder "Is this it??? Will it always be???" It's terribly hard to consider years and years of this...sometimes I just have a hard time forcing myself to the one day at a time thing...
Does everyone have their lives together except me???
Replies
Gina, I understand what you are saying and for me I know that I must do something each day to keep going or I would sink into the hole and not come out. Pushing and trying to accomplish whatever thing on the list is the only way I can continue in this life. It is not the same as when the girls were here but there are some smiles and for now that has to be good enough. The loneliness can be very overwhelming so keeping busy for me is the way to survive. Can you get to your library? See what programs they have online that you might like. Ours has knitting and crochet classes and book club too. I hope you see the value in accomplishments, they honor our children as we must strive to continue. Hugs. Kathy
PS, funny about church, my hubby wants to go and I do not. Enjoy your Sunday maybe a walk just around the block. We have a dance recital for our niece. It feels good to be included but I know I will be crying too. BE WELL!!!!
We all grieve so differently. I wish there were instructions! The ups and downs are so depressing, but I guess normal.
I am sorry your friends are keeping their distance - it makes it even harder. I suspect they want to help but don\'t know how. Instead of asking you, they stop calling. It would be nice if they could imagine how they would want you to treat them if the shoe was on the other foot
Some people must think that it is like shrinking your best cashmere sweater. It is devastating at first but \'you just get over it\'. There is no getting over it. We learn to live, but always with that hole in our hearts. I would not want to \"get over it\". Lisa is and always will be a part of me.
Another reason is that some people might leave is that it too close to home. If you can lose Cassi.... I once had a friend who was honest with me when my mom died. She said \"I\'m sorry but i get really depressed when you are around. It reminds me that I could lose my mama and is scares me\". I was appalled. I remember that comment and figure that friends with kids are feeling the same way. Regardless, they are certainly off my friend list!!! Knowing the reason doesn\'t make it right.
I found that being busy has helped. Some days are easier than others. Volunteering helps a lot. I think I have said it before, there were meetings where I was a dazed observer rather than participant. The grunt work was much easier e.g. setting up tables for our events rather than socializing. I thought about volunteering at the food bank or charity second hand shops. I may still do it if I run out of stuff to do. I have to be busy or I would become agoraphobic. My mood can change on a dime. I have to push myself to do stuff, and if I stop, I would likely lock myself in.
I am babbling a lot about me. I just want you to know that I understand the I depression and the pain, and I care.
Love and tight hugs, M
Your last question, \"Does everyone have their lives together except me?\" That really hit me, because what came into my heart immediately was this very used and loved quilt that has been held, dragged around, drooled on, has some huge holes in it, yet is still stitched and bound by threads of love, compassion, understanding and the ability to heal.
I needed others around me who were a few steps further along to remind me that healing IS mine and it could happen and actually was even in those moments I doubted I had healed one layer of cells or even a cell. I was healing and so are you, Gina.
Getting it all out is what is vital and you are doing that... Once it is out and it\'s there to sort through that is where the picking up the pieces of our shattered hearts begins. Those shards can be picked up, even though many of them are so very sharp, they can be put together again to create something that honors the fact that you are here now and Cassi is here too in another form and lives on through you in what you continue to create, here and now.
I remember our founder, Barbara, asking us each day no matter how awful we were feeling to reach out to someone whether it be here on FMO, in our neighborhood, a cashier at the check out counter,... Just someone to realize that even in our darkest hours and when we feel as if we are running on fumes that we still can lift another and in doing that we are healing and lifting ourselves. This was one of those aha moments for me and continues to be that no matter what is going on for me there is someone else who might appreciate a smile, a hand, a hello, anything that I can offer and maybe it\'s just even a loving affirmation said in the quiet of my home for them.
All I can offer is my heart, what I have noticed about myself on this path and know is that I honor where you are and only you can decide when you\'re ready to take those steps into the light once again. Just as Kathy said, a walk around the block or even just to the mailbox, these are all steps and each of them builds upon the other. The first ones are often the most challenging to take, yet you have already taken them and are on your way.
Gentle care, try reaching to someone today and see how it makes you feel. I have a sense you will find that what you say and do matters in the lives of others and when you make those heart connections it draws you out, engages you in life once again and it only needs to be done in very small steps that feel safe for you. You have tools and this is the time to get them out and be using them. See what is working for you, what is not and step them up a notch so that you can get better as you say you truly want to. You can do this, Gina, and you have moms surrounding you understand in ways others cannot. Things that are said here by each of us are meant to help and never to wound and we are all walking around like turtles without our shells in a briar patch. So very sensitive and yet it\'s in the touching of our wounds that makes us able to sit with another in their\'s.
You have a village here who are standing right beside you and if you stumble and fall as we each do we are right here to pick you up, dust you off and say just keep moving and giving what you can when you can and it\'s enough, Gina, truly it is.
Ask Cassi to guide you today as to where you are needed because YOU are. I ask my son this daily and you would never believe some of his nudges or even cosmic two by fours. That\'s for a journal one of these days.
Hand in hand, Heart to heart and with the deepest of understanding. I hear you and I honor where you are and please feel my heart in what I share. It\'s only my experience, I understand it\'s not yours, yet it\'s what I can offer and so I do.
XO Joanie
I lost my son, if it was my daughter who was my friend also would I be going through this grief differently? I know loss is painful I was mad at my Mike for leaving and leaving his unborn son. That was seven yrs and 5 months ago. He was creating his own life with someone he loved and a son that was to be born.
Can I suggest you meditate and find out what you want deep inside that would help you. A hobby, or a meaningful thing that makes you feel special or needed. I am sensing that you may need something that gives you the feeling of accomplishment. Just like your accomplishment in motherhood.
Tight hugs
Penny