so frustrated
I had a good therapy session today.
I opened up with my therapist and realized both
his fallibility and mine. I saw he was just asking targeted questions
to see what kind of response he would get. He wasn't having
a sincere conversation with me. At that moment he seemed like just
a guy. I wondered to myself about the pressure I was putting on myself
to discuss things respectfully, decently and carefully and all the while
feeling a sense of reverence about it. Now I started
to see that after I showed him my vulnerability he also was just a guy
who was reflecting to me what he thought of me - but I knew, so much
that I have to have self value and self definition as well. I have mentioned
it in other journals.
So that was a big new understanding for me. I know he is no better than me
and the realization gave me a sense of power and special feeling, freedom about myself
but I didn't feel so caring. I felt focused on my goals.
I then came down to church as I had to get my raincoat and nearly forgot
that I was due to meet with one of the sisters to go over serving protocol.
They really want to control everything you do here. They are saying I move to fast
and that I must walk in a way that presents well to the parishioners
and sisters. I must speak/move with the holiness that I am working with.
It just sucks because here I was feeling independent after my therapist
and now I am feeling like my body is not my own.
Replies
Do u think it was a good therapy session Marky?
I was wondering why you think he wanted to ? provoke you?
Is that what you're saying sweetie as opposed to have a greater understanding of who you are?
And of course you're right he is no better than you
The sister's always seem so critical
I would struggle with that I know I would
Big hug...I hope that the rest of your day is more calm
This is a good time to hug Blue...xo
One thing that came to me while reading your post is that your therapist and the sisters may be touching two very different things.
Your realization with the therapist seemed to be about your worth. You saw that he is a human being like you, and that your value doesn't come from his opinion of you. That sounds like a very important insight.
Then later, the sisters were talking about serving protocol and how things are done in the monastery. I wonder if that felt like a threat to the freedom you had just discovered.
But maybe your worth and the monastery's expectations are not the same thing.
No one can increase or decrease your value by telling you to walk slower, speak differently, or follow a certain protocol.
You remain who you are. The correction may be about the role, not the person.
I wonder if there is a way to hold on to the freedom you felt with your therapist while also receiving guidance from the sisters without feeling diminished by it.
Just a thought.....Hugs
Thanks Jan and Bob!!
Jan, like Bob said ‘I just realized he doesn’t over ride my sense of essential value’
Really great insights Bob.
It did kind of feel like I had a sense of freedom and then had to cage my body.
I hope so too regarding your last thought Bob. Thanks.
Maybe the question isn't whether your value is being limited, but whether freedom and discipline can coexist.
That's not an easy question, especially in a monastery.
But I think it's worth exploring because your worth seemed untouched by the experience, even though your sense of freedom wasn't.
Just thinking out loud.....Hugs
Thanks Bob! That’s a great perspective and question!