so called friends

I spent all morning yesterday writing this email to my ex best friend- from now on we'll call her X. Anyway- so I spent the whole fucking morning writing this email to this fucking stupid bitch. I revised it fucking 3 times so I could spare her feelings. She called me last weekend and she sounded upset over the message she left. She sounded like she was crying. So I thought- wow maybe she's turned back into a human fucking being instead of the snobby insensitive, holier than thou stupid fucking bitch she turned into. WRONG! She needed legal documents from me. That's it. She called for that. Then when I didn't call her back she texted me. Asking for the documents. And she made sure she threw in an insult just to let me know that she still thinks I'm beneath her- that nothing has changed. Here's the text: "Btw- I am am not looking to have a long dramatic conversation. We view things differently and is now and then fine." Then she spoke of the legal documents she needed then she said "As for the other, I harbor you no ill will just the opposite in fact. But I cannot force you to see this." So I wrote back: "Its probably better we don't speak. I'm a long and dramatic conversation type of chick. That's just me. That's not gonna ever change. You have a good holiday too". She wrote: "If that is the way you want it, that is fine. I just never felt quite right about the way things were left." I wrote: "Neither do I. But I'm not trying to keep the convo light. It isn't my style. So just know that I wish you all the best and I wish things could be different. But I am who I am and I'm not going to change and neither are you. You're right we see things differently". Then she spoke about how it was hard to communicate via text and that comment about the long dramatic conversation is bc she sounded upset when she called bc she had a cold and she didn't want me to think she was calling for that. And you know how fucking stupid I am? I actually thought that was her apologizing and that she actually wanted to speak to me about things- like a human being. But that's not what she wanted to do at all. She just needed some legal documents from me so she figured she'd just come back, fake being pleasant, and I'd give her exactly what she needed and then she could just dismiss me and act like I'm beneath her like she always has after she uses me. She's a horrible manipulative bitch and I fucking hate her. I bought right into it to- I started right away thinking of how I was going to handle things w her. I bet that selfish bitch didn't even give me one extra thought. She just enjoyed her family- the people that matter to her. I'm not one of those people and I haven't been for a long time. She used me. And then when I stopped taking her shit she went up one side of me and down the other insulting everything about me. I hate her. Good lord I fucking hate her. I want to beat the fucking life out of that stupid bitch. She used me for so many years and then I finally break away and she does it again!!! She manipulates me again!!! I'm such a fucking joke to that horrible bitch. You know what- fuck her. Today is a new day. I'm done. Nothings really wrong here- we're not speaking anymore. She just got one over on me bc she's a sneaky manipulative bitch. That's all. So anyway, this is the email I spent hours writing. I wanted to have it so I could look back in case she pulls this shit again.
 "I thought about having an actual conversation with you over the phone or in person. But to be really honest- I don't know if I can do that to myself. I don't think I can stand trying to pour my heart out to you and having u look at me with disgust, roll your eyes like I'm some ridiculous child and tell me how horrible I am- how I'm really negative and hard to be around some times, how my apology is a disclaimer, how I "always do this", how I beat u into submission- I just can't do it. That really ripped my fucking heart out last time. I can't take that again and you haven't given me any reason to believe the conversation would go any differently this time. Your reaction has been the same every time I have EVER tried to talk to you about how I feel. Every time. I used to try to tell you the ways you hurt me back in the day- but u wouldn't even let me get out a whole sentence without saying " can we please talk about something else?". And I said okay. I obliged- bc I could see I was frustrating you- so I just shut up and kept it bottled up. I thought doing so was helping you- however misguided.
I wouldn't say that you are void of emotion- in fact you seem to treat many people in your life with tremendous compassion- like it really matters to you whether or not you hurt their feelings or whether you mistakenly overstep boundaries- like many people inadvertently do in a day to day relationship. But it aint that way with me and it hasnt been for a really long time. Especially over the past 5 years. I can't speak on what's going on in your head and heart- just like you can't intelligently speak on mine. And since I can't tell what's going on inside of you I can only go by your actions. And in my perception- you've always had absolutely nil patience for any emotion I feel towards you if its not in accordance with how you think I should feel. And it just so happens- about 75% of my emotions fall into that category. I don't know what changed when I went to law school and more specifically when I moved back home- but I can tell you how it seemed to me. You started to act as if I've told you the same story already 1000 times and you just could not be bothered hearing it again. You acted like I should just be over it by now- like I shouldn't bring up my life- bc you were happy and chipper and you wanted to be positive and hearing me be anything less than ecstatic just didn't fit in with your place in life at that time. It was the absolute worst time in my life moving back home. And there were so many times that you were there for me and I can't say in words how much I needed you and how much you helped me. That was what made it so confusing to me. There were times when you really helped me and seemed to really care about my well being- and then it would just switch and you would just act like "well what are you gonna do?". Like my problems were just figments of my imagination and by now I should have figured it all out.
You were wrong that day. The last time we saw each other. I wasn't having that conversation so I could dead you- not at all. I had that conversation bc the rules in my life changed and things that have been acceptable by me for years would no longer be acceptable anymore- not if I wanted to have a good life- and I did and I do. Its not okay anymore for people to tell me I'm ridiculous or I'm acting ridiculous, or any form of that sentence. Its also not okay for people to tell me I'm over reacting or when I feel emotion it is "all in my head.". Any derivative of - you're nuts and you're feelings are stupid- its a no go in my life anymore. People are entitled to feel however they do about me as I am entitled to whatever it is I feel also. A lot of people think I'm being ridiculous or overreacting when I express my actual emotions- A LOT. Its been that way my whole life. That's not your fault. Its not anyone's fault. But its my reality nonetheless. I'm not good at talking about my emotions naturally. Doing so has never been a welcome experience for me. And when it comes to expressing my emotions to someone who I know thinks I'm ridiculous or I overreact or look too much into things- any form or reaction that says "you're not upset bc something actually happened for you to be upset about- you're upset bc of what you've conjured up in your mind"- its absolute torture for me and I can't do it. I shut down and don't know how to act. I just can't be around that- and I won't be anymore. Its abusive and mean. I deserve compassion. I deserve understanding. And I know I can't ask people to change for me- so I had to put people on notice in my life. All apologies- but I have to look out for my own sanity now. Bc my life got to a point where I was either going to make some serious changes or kill myself- so change won.
Believe it or not- I actually believed that people were right about me being crazy or ridiculous for the majority of my life. So many people said it to me when I was growing up. That my life would be great if I could just feel differently- basically- my life would be great if I wasn't me. When someone actually examines your feelings like they are fact- that's what they are saying- you're life would be so much better if you just weren't you. I'm an emotional person. That's who the fuck I am. That's who I've always been and that's who I'm always going to be. I'm not trying to spend one more second listening to someone cross examine my emotions from an intellectual standpoint and explain to me how I'm just looking too much into things or I'm ridiculous. My emotions are me. They are a part of me. I'm a package deal. You don't get to take what you want and leave the rest and to be really honest- I think that's what you've wanted to do with me for a really long time. You wanted me to keep it on the surface. You wanted me to keep it light. Every time we have ever spoken about how I feel you have that same reaction- like "here she fucking goes again.". Like- oh its just Jen being ridiculous again- hopefully she gets back to her old self soon- the punching bag, the doormat that just takes all the snide little comments and remarks and the tone of voice like she's a dumb child and doesn't say shit. I know how much easier it would have been for everyone else if I wasn't me- if I just let the hurtful and insensitive remarks just roll off my back and kept a big fucking smile on my face. Well- I tried it- for a lot of years. And it got to the point where I tried so hard to be what everyone else wanted me to be that I didn't even know who I was anymore. And I knew the only way back to myself was to not keep putting myself in predicaments where everyone thought I was just being silly whenever I felt emotions that they didn't understand or agree with.
Just as I won't be around people who take serious issue with my emotions- I have absolutely no right to qualify theirs. No right at all. Everyone has the right to feel whatever they do- not only me. So when people say how ridiculous I am or that I'm being crazy or just overreacting or looking too much into things- they absolutely have the right to feel that way and I can't argue that feeling. Bc to do so would be hypocritical. So to the extent I can- I just back off. I don't have a choice anymore- not if I want to be happy and comfortable in my own skin and I do. I deserve it. No matter how ridiculous my emotions seem to the rest of the world- I have a right to have them- whatever they are. And abandoning even one of my emotions is abandoning myself and I won't do it anymore.
I think the last time we spoke you told the absolute truth for the first time in years. I wasn't really surprised at all. In fact everything you said made perfect sense given the way you acted for years before that point. So good for you for being honest- for finally saying it straight up. I would say it must have been hard to keep that all inside- but u didn't really keep it inside- even though I know you tried to. The contempt you had for me showed on your face, in your tone, and in your remarks when you shut me up and belittled my emotions- at least once in most conversations we had. Its kind of been known since we were about 20 that you thought I overreacted just a bit. It was known that you thought I was overemotional. You said it straight out and never once denied it- no matter how many times I told you how hurtful it was. But I guess that started bothering you more and more over the years bc the snobby tones and dismissive remarks went from being once and a while to being the majority of the time. Not one time- not once- did I ever come to you with something you said or did that hurt me where you compassionately said to me "I'm sorry I hurt you." Not once. And as hard as it was to keep it bottled up when you said mean things or shut me up or rolled your eyes at me like I was stupid- many of these times were in front of groups of people, btw. As hard as that was- as much as it churned my stomach to not tell you how much you hurt me with your flippant remarks and boiler plate showings of fake understanding- the thought of sitting in front of you and actually telling you how I feel was SO much worse. You've repeatedly made reference to how its my fault for not telling you how I felt. As if that would have made all the difference in the world. So much so that I actually started believing you were right- that it was my fault for not saying anything to you about how I felt. I believed it so much that I blamed myself for all of the tension. That's why I apologized to you that day. But after that day -I started thinking back- I used to try to talk to you about these things. You shut me up so quick there should be a record set. It was worse than trial- bc proving that you hurt me beyond a reasonable doubt wouldn't have even gotten me a win- for you- I had to prove my emotions are valid beyond a shadow of a doubt- and you were the only jury. And that's just not possible. You can't prove that emotions are valid or not by intellect. You can prove or disprove facts but not emotion. I'm never going to be able to make you understand my emotions as I'll never understand yours. And that's how its supposed to be. Its not about understanding. Its about respecting that people live different lives and you have no idea what they had to go thru so its impossible to qualify their emotions. I've heard you say that out loud- but that is NEVER the respect I got from you. Never. Whenever I mustered up the courage to tell you how I feel you would instantly lose all compassion and all patience- and it turned into a cross examination: "when did I do that?". "Give me examples.". "and exactly how long ago was that." "I refuse to apologize for something that happened years ago."
Cool. So save the apology. Bc I don't want one. Esp if I have "to beat you into submission" to get it. If I could go back to that day I'd say that out loud- Don't apologize! I know you're not sorry. Bc when it comes to me you just see it like I should never be offended by anything you do or say unless you approve of that particular emotion. And you don't approve of my emotions when it comes to you- you never have. I spent a lot years trying to turn my feelings into something you approved of and it was a complete fucking waste of effort bc I just can't. Its like I don't have the right to feel anything when it comes to you. You don't understand how I feel and you wont- ever. I don't want a bullshit apology. I never have. I just wanted it to stop. I wanted us to move forward peacefully. But according to you its my fault that there is tension- its bc I overreact, bc I look to much in to things, bc I have to put things into little compartments, bc I'm ridiculous, bc I beat you into submission, and whatever other kind remarks you said the last time we spoke. Basically- its bc I'm me. Its my fault. Its all my fault. Its all me. There will never be a way to take the good in me and leave the rest and you've shown time and time again that having you accept the rest as part of me just isn't in the cards for you and I. You're my best friend as long as I have no issue w anything you say or do- ever. The second you upset me- all that friendship goes out the window. You feel backed into a corner and you attack. And whether or not you believe it- I gave it everything I have. I tried with everything I have in me to keep it light, to stay on the surface with my emotions- I tried so fucking hard to be something you approved of. I really wanted to be able to not be upset. But I'm still me- and that's not me. And despite your approval or lack thereof I still have to live with me.
We sat at a bar about 5 years back and I told you I'd never leave your life again unless you told me to go. That really meant something to me to say that. I don't just say things. Especially things like that. And I meant what I said. I truly did. The things you said to me that day- that was you telling me to go. In no uncertain terms. There's no way you say those things to someone and think they're actually gonna stick around. You called my apology a disclaimer. A fucking disclaimer. I can't even put into words how absolutely horrible it was to hear you say something like that to me. That comment actually did surprise me. That was a new level of disgust and disrespect. I talked to you because it there was a lot of tension between us- and living w that tension wasn't okay w me anymore. It was either talk or walk- and I didn't want to walk. I never did. Everytime I walked away from you its bc I truly felt like I had no choice. Its actually been the same reason every time- you get to the point where its just too much effort for you to disguise your disgust for me and I have to walk. I'm reluctant to say this- bc after you called my apology a disclaimer- I don't know if you're actually going to believe what I'm about to say or just think I'm saying something bc its "the right thing to say."- u know- like one does w a disclaimer. I don't say things for that reason.
Here goes: I'm happy that your happy. You have Ed, you have a good job, you're getting ur degrees and what not. You're doing really well for yourself and I'm truly happy for you. You deserve happiness and no tension and no negativity. If keeping it light and on the surface makes you happy then you have the absolute right to do so- in fact you absolutely should. I was the part of your equation that didn't fit. I know you care about me and I know you tried your best. So did I. We just see things differently- like you said. And as much as I wish it could be different. We both have very strong personalities. We both are who we are."