So angry at this illness

I have reached the stage where I am just frustrated and angry about being bipolar.  I should be cool about it, I know.  Acceptance is important but I'm definitely not there yet.  I have done everything my pdoc has said.  I stopped drinking, smoking pot, not getting enough sleep; I take my meds like a good girl every night, and I am still cycling.  We have tweaked my meds a thousand time and my pdoc says that I am likely to cycle a little bit no matter what.  She's totally right that my cycles are no where as extreme as they used to be, but I'm so tired of this ride.  I would do anything for just three days of "normal" in a row.  I don't want to die, but I do want this to stop.  Now.  Tonight is really bad for me and I am totally flipping out.  I took my meds (300mg Lamictal, 15mg Abilify, 25mg Seroquel) and an extra 1mg of Klonopin.  Aside from feeling a little tired, nothing is working.  I just want to get drunk but mixing booze with the meds is probably not a good idea.  Then again...  I have crappy insurance that only pays half of mental health stuff so I can't go to the hospital if I need to, so I have to maintain at least the appearence of sanity.   I just feel like giving up on trying to be good.  If I'm gonna cycle and feel like shit anyway, why stop drinking or smoking or being a grandma about my sleep?  Really.  I really like my pdoc though so I'm going to try to be super awesome this week.  Then maybe she will believe me about how I really am trying everything.  I just really want the "magic purple pill" that will fix all of this.  Argh.  I'm drowning.