So Angry

I am so angry nd frustrated most of the time and I hate it. I know I am mentally ill, so it's hard for me to know what are my valid feelings and what is just my inability to think straight. I'm on good meds, an anti-psychotic and a mood stabilizer, they do their job well. I am usually calm, no extreme highs or lows, at least outwordly. On the inside I am so angry and sad and frustrated. I often feel like crying but the meds made it so I can't. I have a lot of anxiety too. It makes it hard to be at work. But I have no choice. I am really envious of people who are ill and don't have to work. Having no choice really sucks. So self-pitying. I try to be glad for what little I do have and glad that things aren't worse, but things are not good at all so it's hard. I've been up and down so often these past few days. Angry/sad, angry/sad on and on. It's making me feell worn out and tired. I wish I could stabalized and just kinda go numb, do my job like a zombie. And of course sometimes I think about giving up all together. I think about suicide. Not constantly, like before, but when I think about how my life will continue to suck for years to come - it's hard to face that. I know - how can I know the future. I'm 50 years old and all fifty years sucked. I see no change in sight. I still live alone, which I hate, and have been trying quite desperately to find someone to love me and live with me. Trying for alomst 2 years now. It's been a horrible time. I really hate living alone. I need a partner who loves me, that would change my entire life. It's the only thing that would make everything else easier to deal with. Having someone to share the load of life with. But finding that has been impossible. I have tried so many things. And had terrible consequences from my efforts. So what to do? Continue my hellish existance? Or spare myself further pain? What is the humane thing to do? I am starting to think about suicide more and more. It makes me feel sick. I'm in pain all the time. The kind of pain that can't be fixed with pills. It can only be fixed by having someone who loves me living with me. And I have had to go without that for years now. Time is taking it's toll.