So Angry
I am so angry nd frustrated most of the time and I hate it. I know I am mentally ill, so it's hard for me to know what are my valid feelings and what is just my inability to think straight. I'm on good meds, an anti-psychotic and a mood stabilizer, they do their job well. I am usually calm, no extreme highs or lows, at least outwordly. On the inside I am so angry and sad and frustrated. I often feel like crying but the meds made it so I can't. I have a lot of anxiety too. It makes it hard to be at work. But I have no choice. I am really envious of people who are ill and don't have to work. Having no choice really sucks. So self-pitying. I try to be glad for what little I do have and glad that things aren't worse, but things are not good at all so it's hard. I've been up and down so often these past few days. Angry/sad, angry/sad on and on. It's making me feell worn out and tired. I wish I could stabalized and just kinda go numb, do my job like a zombie. And of course sometimes I think about giving up all together. I think about suicide. Not constantly, like before, but when I think about how my life will continue to suck for years to come - it's hard to face that. I know - how can I know the future. I'm 50 years old and all fifty years sucked. I see no change in sight. I still live alone, which I hate, and have been trying quite desperately to find someone to love me and live with me. Trying for alomst 2 years now. It's been a horrible time. I really hate living alone. I need a partner who loves me, that would change my entire life. It's the only thing that would make everything else easier to deal with. Having someone to share the load of life with. But finding that has been impossible. I have tried so many things. And had terrible consequences from my efforts. So what to do? Continue my hellish existance? Or spare myself further pain? What is the humane thing to do? I am starting to think about suicide more and more. It makes me feel sick. I'm in pain all the time. The kind of pain that can't be fixed with pills. It can only be fixed by having someone who loves me living with me. And I have had to go without that for years now. Time is taking it's toll.
Replies
I believe we have talked about this before have we not? If you remember I said never give up. Reach out. Be kind. Leave anger behind. It does not serve you well.
I hear you heretic. I have no magic answers, just empathy.
I often find myself in the same place as you: alienated and alone. I hold out hope, hope that someday I will find somebody to spend my life with. It is hard, so hard to go it alone regardless of mental illness. My heart goes out to you.
I can understand that you go through the angry/sad cycle. It only makes sense because your basic human needs for love, acceptance, and affection are going unsatisfied. This goes beyond the things mental illness does to you. The tendency is to pull in and close yourself off. I\'m with TroJanThunder and think that you have to do the opposite and reach out and not with anger, but with kindness. Start with being patient and kind with yourself.
Anyways, I wish I had magic answers because I sure as hell would like them to answer my own questions. I just want you know that you are not alone. Big, big hugs my friend.
Weird, I got an email notification for your next journal entry with the first 2 lines, but when I clicked to open it says its private. So sorry I can\'t comment except to generically encourage you to endure the tough times dear heretic. Life has dealt us a shitty set of cards and we have to make the best of a bad situation. (((hugs)))
You are not alone, There are many of us. Don\'t you dare hurt yourself. I have had friends that have. I never said to them, \"don\'t hurt yourself\" because I didn\'t know, and I was on the other side of the world when they passed. But I hear your voice on this internet, this daily strength, forum...I feel your spirit and I am responding, maybe for my own sake, so be it, but just maybe, these words too will help turn the emotional corner if only just an inch, sometimes that\'s all it takes. I go around my corner all the time. Up and down and sometimes sideways. Keep sure to keep your head in the light when ever that painful dark tries to pin you under it\'s suffering cloud. Your suffering is as ancient as the human race itself. You are a perfectly normal descendent of our ancestors. You hang in there you brave soul. I admire you for your ability to articulate that invisible world that drives the engine within us all.