SO SAD!

It is late Sat. night or early Sun......Father's Day.  We lost Scott on Father's Day 2007, although his actual angel date is June 17th.  I am so sad.  I remember I saw him alive last the night before about 9:30 p.m.  I told him to be careful and I loved him.  He gave me a cockeyed grin and left.  At about 10:30 a.m. ( Father's Day)  I heard him get up to go to the bathroom.  He called his Grandpa, who he was supposed to plant a tree with, and told him he wasn't feeling well.  (I didn't know about that until later..)  I got up shortly after.  I didn't check on him...no reason...I had heard him use the restroom.  About 4 p.m. his Dad and I went to the pool.  I listened at his door.  I heard his breath.  It sounded "funny" like when my mother-in-law died.  I almost opened the door and thought, "No, I am waking him at 5:30 p.m. He needs to sleep and I don't want to deal with him "messed up".  So selfish!!!  I will always regret that decision.  When I went in at 5:30, he was dead.  I screamed for Craig.  I called 911.  I didn't do CPR.  Craig beat on his chest.  According to the ME he died about 4:30 p.m.  What if I had gone in at 4 p.m. ?  What if I had done CPR?  I sensed it in the pool.  I told Craig I really felt his Mom's presence. (She died in 2006)  I talked about an old landlord who had lost their son. (23 yrs. ago)   What if I had come back in to check on him?  Would Scott be alive today?????  I will always have that guilt, that demon.  I feel like I knew and didn't act.  I feel like I let my son die.  So many times I took a shower before I checked on him saying to myself he won't be any less dead in a few minutes.  It is something we had been dealing with for so long!  I would give anything to be dealing with it now.  I  guess I just didn't really believe I could lose my son.  Or, I really didn't want to face it.  Or, I am a very selfish, cowardly woman/Mom  I don't know!!!!  My therapist says, "You were tired."  I was.  But what the hell kind of reason was that?!?!?!?  I was tired when he was born and nursing every 2 hrs.  I managed that!!!  I miss my baby so much!  And now, I have Melissa, too.  I wonder did she suffer.  Her mom called this morning.  She was so sad.  It has just been 3 wks.  I am caught between 2 worlds of grief, it seems.  I went to a funeral today. (Sat.)  It was Craig's best friends Dad.  I was sad for the family as it is the worst pain they have know.  I whispered to his Dad, in his casket, please say hello to Scott for me.  I just feel so lost.......'