So..

Becky didnt email me at all yesterday, and today she emailed me and said she would call, and she didnt.   I should be upset about it, but truthfully im not.  I guess im better suited to deal with some male/female things then I thought. One thing stopping me from the online dating thing is figuring im not even close to ready to do it. I just wanted someone to talk to. But Becky and I were talking like we were soul mates or something.  So I got a bit invovled.  But now that its apparent she is scared away (and who wouldnt be, im not even divorced yet), im ok with it.   Truth is I will like being single after a while.   I never liked answering to anyone, its not my personality. I went to the bar the other night, just to have a few. It helps me sleep better, having a few beers. I was flirted with by 2 girls the whole time I was there. It was weird to have girls actually checking me out when I walked in. Apparently I still have some of my old self left.  It probably doesnt hurt that ive lost 40 fucking pounds in 2 months.  I dont eat. I try, but im just never hungry. I was a bit of a prick tonight to the stbx. She wanted to stop over and drop our sons swimming suit off, and I wasnt having it.  Well I wasnt having it if she was going to stop over with her boyfriend in the car. I told her that would be dangerous.  Which it would have been. Id probably kill the guy.  I know I shouldnt. Its not worth going to jail and losing my kids.  But im an alpha male, always have been; you  fuck my wife im going to hurt you.   So she agreed to come over AFTER dropping him off at the restaurant they were going to.   Smart move. I just keep wondering if she is keeping every single email, every single txt message, and is waiting to FUCK me over.  God knows ive said enought things to screw myself in court.  I just hope that she doesnt want this to get any uglier than it is; which I dont thing she does. Man what a shit deal this whole thing is.  I just want to be working and making my own way financially and ill be much happier about everything.    Update: Oh and I met this woman online. She is 36, single, good looking, a teacher, and wants to start a family.   I asked her how the hell she was still single and she said she was too into her career starging out, and now she wants a family and she lives in a place where there are no bachelors.   Man why the hell didnt I meet her 1 year from now?   Ive wanted kids for 5 years but my wife was barren (other than our 1 son 6 years ago).    Im just worried if I talk to her to much i'll be living with her and having babies, and then 5 years from now i'll go to myself "what the hell did you do dude?"