Smothering

So, I know that H discussed what happened during the last two weeks with his therapist and his SA group. It affects him too. However, there's no discussion about it between us. He said that through out the week he's going to jolt down ideas/pointers for discussions between us. He said that we WILL have an hour long talk amongst the two of us every sunday night, when the kids are asleep, obviously.
I believe it's a combination of me yelling at him, his therapist telling him, and his SA group agreeing that he NEEDS to communicate with me. More than me talking to the F'ing wall, more than him giving me a ONE WORDED answer to my questions, more than me playing 20 questions with him, more than him lying by deceit.
The pain that I afflicted upon myself due to my enormous emotional burden, which I didn't know how to cope with, has become infected. So, on top of me trying to hide the (fairly big) wound with a bandaid while working and shopping, I now have to keep it extremely clean. I feel the pain when something hits or brushes on it, I know it burns when the rubbing alcohol hits it, etc etc, but, it isn't registering as such. I know that 'still' isn't good, as my physical pain should actually HURT
Also, I feel like anymore he just wants to snuggle. That's something I *needed* BEFORE all of this. I needed to feel like I was more than a piece of meat to him. I would love the AFFECTION felt when he just wanted to hold me, without wanting to go further....just to snuggle me, to feel the love so to speak I remember telling him at certain times that he only snuggled me when he "wanted some".
now, that the tables have turned, it is HE who wants to snuggle, to hold, to just lay around.
well, I now feel like he's smothering me. I can't stand it for very long. All of this emotional neediness that he's going through, all of the reassurance that he needs, well I don't give a damn. Actually, I see it as being rather weak. He needs me to reassure himself that he is worthy. He needs me to reassure himself that he is needed. I don't have to do a damn thing, and I'm not
I've pushed him away many of a times. I don't want to snuggle. Hell, I want my space now. Where was HE when I just wanted to snuggle without having to perform at the end?
where was he when I needed him? And, why should I be there for him now when he's the one who hurt me from his actions, his lies, his betrayal?
 I remember telling him how I always had the opportunity to cheat on him, yet I didn't. I also remember just blurting out after this last discovery how I felt cheated on, not knowing that's how other woman felt.. I told him how I felt bored with him through out the years, which I have, but I got through those times. I never strayed, never needed a "boost" to get me over it, never needed anything other than him. I remember telling him how I "saved" myself for him even though the times weren't convienant. Even when I was horny, I wouldn't satisfy myself...I'd get myself involved in something else, forget about it until we were able to be together....and that's another thing...OMFG...
I always pondered at how he could go for HOURS...he'd have me go time after time, but wouldn't himself. NOW I'm understanding. He's just now having "quickies" with me, where he's coming within 5 minutes. WTF did that come from when I'd tell him that's all I wanted was a quicky??????   It makes me think, and it's a big turn off to think that he's been jacking off every single day that we been together.....He thinks I want him to go longer, meanwhile I don't. I can have the big O right off the bat with him. Sometimes that's all I want, not because it doesn't feel good cuz it does, but cuz I'm so freaking tired.
So, now I'm thinking about how he's never gone more than 6 months without porn. I honestly believe this is the longest he's ever gone without it cuz he never answered my quiestion when I asked him....so...for the past 6 months, he's been having happy ending faster...WHY? because he's not jacking off to someone else. He's not wasting that sexual energy on someone else other than his wife. He's not releasing his horniness on the computer, what rightfully belonged to ME
so, it's a combination of all this why I'm not having sex with him, why I don't care if he is jacking off in the bathroom or in the shower. I haven't done anything, have no desire to do so. I guess that 's one thing that sucks about us being female is that having sex is more of an emotional act
so, where am I going with all of this? I don't know...but...I haven't been having sex with H, have no desire to. My emotional superficial wound needs to heal, and I need my space....and, he can achieve happy ending without me as he chose to for all of these years, as I really don't give a damn lately

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

My how the tables are turning. I think this is natural. Plus he wasn\'t there for you why should you be for him now? It\'s almost like you\'re forgiving him to help him with his needs. I don\'t blame you. You need to take all the time you need. Getting through this is a huge process and we all move at our own speed. HUGS