smoking shame

I think I feel a sense of inherent shame about smoking weed and that’s one of the reasons it affects me so bad. The objective fact is- I’m addicted to smoking weed. When I let go of all of my shame and bad thoughts- that objective fact isn’t horrible. It isn’t good either- I know that. It’s definitely something I have to work on. However- I shouldn’t hate myself just because I have this problem. That’s what so much of my energy is spent on- I beat myself up for having this addiction. I beat myself up b/c as of yet I haven’t had the will power and the strength to quit. It takes so much energy. That’s what makes me binge. That’s what makes me procrastinate and fuck up. Not the smoking itself- it’s the shame. I want to be present in my life. In order to do that fully I need to stop smoking. However- currently in my life- even though I smoke every day- I’m more present and aware of myself then I’ve ever been. The smoking on its own doesn’t completely kill that. I know I would be more present if I stopped- that’s for sure. But it doesn’t mean I’m a fuck up just b/c I haven’t quit. I still do a lot of work. I started a daily log at work to show all that I do. I realized I do a lot of shit! I think I have this fucked up notion that if I’m not sitting in my office doing work than I’m not working. But the truth is that I start working as soon as I wake up. I answer phone calls, I do research on the web. I handle business for my clients. Additionally- I’m always thinking about work. So I’m not a fuck up. I forgive myself for feeling like I was. I forgive myself for beating me down instead of understanding that I am a human being and therefore I inevitably have flaws and that’s okay. I am not perfect. No one is. But I am worthy of success and good things just the way I am. We all are.