Smokey was my blessing from God

I grew up with a single mom.  She did the best she could with 3 kids.  I think she was also mentally unstable on top of being a single mom.  My mom was a control freak.  She had to have everything her own way.  My mom demanded she had everything her own way.  I suspect there was some kind of addiction or abuse problem in my mom's family as well.  She had two brothers that were pedeophiles but were never caught.  One uncle liked girls and the other uncle liked boys.  My mom thought she did us a service by putting us down all the time and never praising us for doing something good.  She thought this would build character in each of us.  My mom physically assaulted each of us thinking this would build strength.  My mom also dumped a lot of things on my older brother.  All these things were not good and brought out the worst in each of us.  My older brother suffers from Asperger's Syndrome.  My younger brother doesn't verbally argue.  My mom set me up to marry my first husband who was a chronic alcoholic, abusive in every way and a control freak.  Eventually I figured things out for myself and left him with our young daughter.  My pastor said he could not figure why it took me so long to leave.  It was my faith and I felt guilty.  My mom instilled in me you never quit and stay married no matter what happens to you.  It took me too long before I realized I was unhappy and did not want to be abused anymore.  I left.  It was the best thing that I did for myself ever in this life.  If I stayed married, I might have ended up dead or close to it.  I worked on myself and did a lot of inward work.  I lived with Carol Wolbers for quit awhile before I met Smokey.
Meeting Smokey was the best thing in my life.  I never knew what it was like to be in a healthy, positive, loving, kind, caring, decent, and good relationship ever in my lfie.  Smokey was my soult mate and the love of my life.  Smokey felt the same way about me.  We were amazed that we found one another even at this late stage of our lives.  The years flew by and they only felt like moments to us.  It felt like we just met one another.  Each anniversary we would say the same thing to each other and smile.  The love was there between the two of us.  Smokey loved me deeply and with great intensity.  The feeling was mutual. 
The day Smokey died is the day I lost my heart.  I felt as if I died a thousand deaths myself that day.  It was unbearable pain as if I was shot through the heart myself.  No words can explain the feeling when you lose the love of your life, your soul mate, you lover, your best friend, the most decent, kind, caring, generous, loving person and the one who loved me deeply/intensley.  No words can explain when you don't have that person anymore.  My world fell apart and was gone when Smokey died on Nov. 15, 2009.  I will never forget the day my life changed forever.  Smokey is with me in my heart.  His love I will cherish till the day I die.   This chapter of my life has closed in saying good-bye to Smokey.  Till we meet again.
A new chapter of my life is beginning and I don't know where it will lead.  It is a new chapter without Smokey in it.  I met and am dating Dave.  It is over 2 months now.  This is what Smokey wanted for me.  I am fulfilling Smokey's wish for me.  I am making Smokey happy now in my life.   Wherever this path goes, I am walking on it one day at a time.  We don't know the future but I know I am in God's hands.  He is leading and guiding me every step of the way.  I am walking on wobbly legs but I am walking with Jesus by my side.  I am not alone.  There are a lot of people who have never travelled this journey of loss in their lives.  They have never had to deal with death.  God has.  He lost his son Jesus on the cross.  Jesus didn't stay dead but rose again to be at God's right hand side.  God understands our loss and our pain.  No wonder God can comfort us and walk with us during our time of pain, loss and sorrow of soul and spirit. 
Count our blessing:  I am thankful for having Smokey in my life for ten years.  I am thankful for my faith in God thru Jesus Christ.  I am thankful for Daily Strength and the people that I have met.  I am thankful for my family and friends in my life.  I am thankful for having Dave in my life.  The things I am thankful for are not things but the good, great and wonderful people in my life now. 
From a thankful heart Diane Baillie