Smokey's birthday is next week April 30th - its making me sad.

It is Smokey's birthday next Friday on April 30th.  It is making me sad.  Also, today I had to deposit the CPP Death Benefit, which also made me sad.  I guess there will be a lot of lasts for me.  I think the hardest thing is to finalize his estate.  Once that is done, it will be the end of dealing with Smokey's things and the realization that Smokey is not coming back to me will really hit me hard.  None of these things are easy to deal with at all.  My heart is really heavy right now.  I am rereading this writing and just sighing.  Last night I cried myself to sleep hugging a pillow.  I look over to Smokey's side of the bed and it is so empty.  It makes me cry.  These things are all hard to deal with for me.  What about you?  Any thoughts?