Smoke and Mirrors

I cut tonight, deeper... then I poured alcohol over to make it hurt while burning water run down my back in the shower. I just want to disappear and never come back. Sometimes I can't figure out where to begin again. Or where to end. I used to have dreams larger than life. Then life kept up the bullshit over and over again. People come and go in life, I get that, but for some reason, I keep getting stuck with the people who couldn't give a damn less. Whenever I need ANYONE the most... no ones there... and I keep running circles in my head that it will be okay but I've got nothing left but an aching soul. I could submerge myself in work, but I can't fake a smile long enough. School? Yeah, I was doing fine but all the shit keeps building. I can't even focus one day to the next. People shove positive bull down my gullet and tell me its easy, even though it's not, and if it is, where the hell are the answers? Or they come in my life for a minute then walk on past me or start to abuse me in twisted ways. The worst are the ones that give you hope just to leave you alone all over again. I even try to be strong and put this bogus front of strength on when someone else is in need of help but it's like I'm not even seen. I thought I wanted to get better, I'd rather die than feel this fucking alone in the world!