Smh... & Idk
This is definitely rambling because I am not sure what else to call it, maybe venting too.
First, I feel like if I cry I won't be able to stop, Second I am sad and lonely a horrible combo. I Smh because I have a lot to offer and I don't make time.
Honestly, I'm depressed because my family is dying left and right, and I don't have anyone to talk to about my feelings, to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be okay. I am a lone with my thoughts, sad thoughts.
Also, my patience level is below zero, I don't have patience for myself. I'm annoyed that I cannot type fast enough and more...
OAN: I was asked by my therapist about substance abuse, drugs, alcohol. Now I do think that I drink too much... I have had a drink or wanted one since he asked... suggestive thoughts. Idk.
BTW: I name this Smh and Idk, because I don't know and I am really shaking my head at the things, feelings and bubbling of emotions that I feel.
I have always tried to deny the fact that I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, I mean who would want to embrace something like that, but lately I feel like two or more different ppl. I called myself a liar today, because I cry in the shower or on the way to work, and smile a little at the ppl there. and then fast walk to my car to start the water works again, also in the middle of the day I'm ore angry than ever at the slightest thing. And my therapist asked about concentration and I am not doing well with this, but I chalk it up to grief.
And I want everyone around me to SHUT UP! I feel like a moment of silence, even ME AND MY THOUGHTS!! The endless mind numbing chatter is annoying AF!! Some times I just want to shake a bitch and say, "You just said that so Shut Up, no one is listening after the first version of your story, yesterday!!" I'm usually not friendly person so this attitude is becoming on my personality.
I wish Mommy was here sooo badly..... It's 11:05pm EST on a Tuesday, she would've been getting ready for work or at work already. I could call her and say, "Hey, Ma u busy?" she would say, "Yeah, Pest what you want now?" our talk would get to the main points and she would mention Jesus and me going back to church, and me taking the kids to church, then she would "help" me with my issues. Then, "I gotta go, talk to you later" and if I needed to, I could've called back much later, like 2 or 3 in the morning, for the same problem or just to talk because I cannot sleep. Then she would tell some ol' story that I heard 1000 times, that may not have anything to do with what we are discussing. SMH!
Well, another matter came up today that I want to put in my journal. My ex-husband and I are getting along really well. We are still having sex and we are still acting nice and friendly. He has or had a Chippy, but nothing ever happens with those relationships. Idk why. And some times we talk about them and my occasional person. But today I realize that I care more for him than he really do for me. Example, I called him to see what's up and let's go for a drink, but he said that he was not dressed for that and let's go for dinners at this place, "he never been to and he is buying" EFFING LIAR! Then he took his food and his neighbor food to enjoy together instead of me... I felt mad, jealous, angry, sad and alone all at once, I could've spit fire and cried at the same time, and slash tires if he had any. Did I mention USED! And my jealousy comes from the fact that I'm alone, period. Not because she is this or that... just because I'm alone. I banded him from my cell phone, no calls or texts will be received from him.
I don't put to much thought into my feelings because I'm sad about my cousin.... so I wonder...
I could not sleep well last night.. I tossed and turned until 4am and popped up(yeah right) at 6am. Tonight a gummy sleep aid with a sip of wine is the answer, yep!
also at work today I thought maybe I'm tired, no just so sad that My body aches and I cannot subside to these feelings, or mood or whatever because I cannot fix this and I cannot hold myself up from falling to far down into this pit.... my family cannot handle this this way.
They need a face for Effing Horrible!!
First, I feel like if I cry I won't be able to stop, Second I am sad and lonely a horrible combo. I Smh because I have a lot to offer and I don't make time.
Honestly, I'm depressed because my family is dying left and right, and I don't have anyone to talk to about my feelings, to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be okay. I am a lone with my thoughts, sad thoughts.
Also, my patience level is below zero, I don't have patience for myself. I'm annoyed that I cannot type fast enough and more...
OAN: I was asked by my therapist about substance abuse, drugs, alcohol. Now I do think that I drink too much... I have had a drink or wanted one since he asked... suggestive thoughts. Idk.
BTW: I name this Smh and Idk, because I don't know and I am really shaking my head at the things, feelings and bubbling of emotions that I feel.
I have always tried to deny the fact that I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, I mean who would want to embrace something like that, but lately I feel like two or more different ppl. I called myself a liar today, because I cry in the shower or on the way to work, and smile a little at the ppl there. and then fast walk to my car to start the water works again, also in the middle of the day I'm ore angry than ever at the slightest thing. And my therapist asked about concentration and I am not doing well with this, but I chalk it up to grief.
And I want everyone around me to SHUT UP! I feel like a moment of silence, even ME AND MY THOUGHTS!! The endless mind numbing chatter is annoying AF!! Some times I just want to shake a bitch and say, "You just said that so Shut Up, no one is listening after the first version of your story, yesterday!!" I'm usually not friendly person so this attitude is becoming on my personality.
I wish Mommy was here sooo badly..... It's 11:05pm EST on a Tuesday, she would've been getting ready for work or at work already. I could call her and say, "Hey, Ma u busy?" she would say, "Yeah, Pest what you want now?" our talk would get to the main points and she would mention Jesus and me going back to church, and me taking the kids to church, then she would "help" me with my issues. Then, "I gotta go, talk to you later" and if I needed to, I could've called back much later, like 2 or 3 in the morning, for the same problem or just to talk because I cannot sleep. Then she would tell some ol' story that I heard 1000 times, that may not have anything to do with what we are discussing. SMH!
Well, another matter came up today that I want to put in my journal. My ex-husband and I are getting along really well. We are still having sex and we are still acting nice and friendly. He has or had a Chippy, but nothing ever happens with those relationships. Idk why. And some times we talk about them and my occasional person. But today I realize that I care more for him than he really do for me. Example, I called him to see what's up and let's go for a drink, but he said that he was not dressed for that and let's go for dinners at this place, "he never been to and he is buying" EFFING LIAR! Then he took his food and his neighbor food to enjoy together instead of me... I felt mad, jealous, angry, sad and alone all at once, I could've spit fire and cried at the same time, and slash tires if he had any. Did I mention USED! And my jealousy comes from the fact that I'm alone, period. Not because she is this or that... just because I'm alone. I banded him from my cell phone, no calls or texts will be received from him.
I don't put to much thought into my feelings because I'm sad about my cousin.... so I wonder...
I could not sleep well last night.. I tossed and turned until 4am and popped up(yeah right) at 6am. Tonight a gummy sleep aid with a sip of wine is the answer, yep!
also at work today I thought maybe I'm tired, no just so sad that My body aches and I cannot subside to these feelings, or mood or whatever because I cannot fix this and I cannot hold myself up from falling to far down into this pit.... my family cannot handle this this way.
They need a face for Effing Horrible!!
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