small victories

Whew.

Today was an insane day. I am glad it's finished. Moreover, I am thankful for the most peaceful and relaxing night I have experienced since D-day. For tonight, I am at home alone with my kids, living in tranquility, away from the fear of physical, emotional and verbal abuse. Today, I have not had to look into the eyes of my H and be triggered by constant reminders of his A.

Tonight, I can breathe.

He is out of jail, staying at his parents. Part of his bail requirements is to have no contact with me whatsoever. He knows that by breaking his bond, his mother will have to cover to $5000 she fronted for him in the first place.

BIG SMILE.

Tonight, I am posting something that I wrote for myself a few nights ago.Through the last few weeks, I have had to reach down deep inside and grasp every last bit of strength, even when I thought I had no reserves left. But the night I wrote this, I was reminded that we all have strength, and can find it, even unconsciously. It is there, and as long as we care for our selves, it will replenish into a never ending supply.

I hope that anyone who reads this will be able to find their own small victories, and use that for strength to fuel you lives:


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Small Victories

Im not sure if tonight counted as a victory, more as a tribute to the strength that lies inside each of us, even when we dont feel it, could never imagine that it is part of our beaten-beings anymore.

As an employee of the Girl Scouts, part of my job is to portray a role model of character and strength to young women. I go into different venues to speak to girls about what it means to be a girl scout. I was a Girl Scout myself for many years as a kid.

Tonight, I was having a meeting with several of our volunteers. One of them proudly brought a copy of our local newspaper, displaying a picture of me on the front page, smiling as I delivered a speech about girl scouts to 200 little girls.

That picture was taken an hour and a half after I found out about my husbands infidelity.

The newspaper was a couple of weeks old by now, but tonight it made a much more profound impact on me. I hadnt really looked at it before. My brain has been in such a fog these last few weeks that I barely even noticed. Without the haze thats been clouding my mind, I was able to see the picture clearly.

I could see the pain in my eyes, I recall putting on the best acting gig I could muster. But most importantly, I saw that I could survive. I still had the strength that day to excite 200 young girls about what it means to be a girl, more importantly a Girl Scout. That we can have the confidence to not only endure adversity, but do it in newsworthy style.

The caption under the picture listed my name and called attention to the girls, saying how me, a representative of the Girl Scouts, was able to excite and engage them with a passion for Girl Scouting. The girls were excitedenamored. The onslaught of questions they brought, combined with the fact that over half of them signed up for Girl Scouts, showed that I had effectively done my job. And did it very well.

Not only did I do my job, but because of it, those girls will now have the opportunity to learn the characteristics of strength and confidence that I had the opportunity to learn when I was a young girl. I have given these girls a chance to be equipped with the same mechanisms that may someday carry them through the same type of situation that many of us are facing today. I hope that none of these girls are ever faced with that, but this is reality.

I dont consider it a gift for them; I consider it a gift for me. That I get to take part in an organization that could help bolster them through tough times, now and in the future. And I did it from the depths of my own personal hell and survived.

That is a small victory. And I can sleep tonight with a smile.