Small Anxiety Ramble
For the past few days, I’ve been staving off anxiety by playing games and watching videos and generally procrastinating, not doing my work or engaging in hobbies.
Today, I was determined to get my work done, but this anxiety is keeping me from doing it effectively. Have you ever tried doing math while anxious? It’s impossible. The time is passing by so, so quickly and it seems like I’ve barely gotten anything done.
It’s so frustrating. I’ve tried breathing excercises and meditating, and they worked for a bit. But it seems this anxiety won’t go away permanently.
That’s why I’m trying to journal. Maybe that will work.
I get the feeling that this persistent anxiety is caused by something I’m doing. Some unhealthy thought pattern I’m alloowing to happen. When I looked up mediating advice, they emphasized that meditating was not abojt getting rid of your thoughts, but learning to live with them, be okay with them, and not chase after them. Like sitting on the side of a road and watchign the cars go by instead of chasing after them. One must sit by and observe their thoughts pass without chasing them.
That must be what’s wrong. I’ve been hounding my brain and my thoughts with worry and criticism. I feel like I can’t get a break because of that. I’m not even safe in my own mind, I can’t even think. It’s horrible. I’m sure many of us understand that feeling.
I keep thinking about what the opposition would say. The future. People leaving me. Failure. The future. Failure. Judging myself, hounding myself, dogging and pushing myself on.
So, I’m anxious. Anxiety makes me lazy. Laziness causes more of this self-criticism and overthinking. And that creates more anxiety.
Anxiety, what are you doing? You’re really not helping me at all.
You interject into every little activity with your seedy little voice, saying “but what if? but what would they say? but what about the future?”
You’re like the bully that doesn’t let me rest. You never stop following me until I MAKE you.
Well, I’m making you. Go. Away.
Replies
I wish I knew 'the cure', even though I thought I had everything 'under control' last night, I ended up with panic attacks/ anxiety while falling asleep/ and while waking up- so many thoughts popping to the surface that I couldn't 'control'...Ive come to the realization that Ive been trying so many 'self help techniques' like a dog chasing its tail.. I do get a temporary reprieve, to go another round- but its a constant battle..Ive decided Im going to try therapy again, my first try was a horrific experience (which turned me off the whole thing) but like anything, the end game is to find someone that Helps , and not be afraid to keep searching and trying new techniques, or new therapies/ therapists until we do. .. its a life long condition, lets not make it a life sentence..lets make it a manageable life, with ups and downs, and bumps in the road but the confidence at least in ourselves that we have both hands on the wheel and regardless of what lies ahead, we can do this ;) xoxoxooxoxox
Anxiety is never about the present moment. It's always about the past or the future. It's so hard to stay in that present moment with anxiety. I'm in your corner, girl. Love you.