slipping back into it...

I don't know why, but I couldn't even act happy today.  I feel like depression is rushing back over me, and I can't move.  Like I'm drowning and everything is slow..
I put some consideration into seeing a therapist again today.  I know I need to see one, but my problem specifically stops me from being able to see one.  I need everyone to think that I'm absolutely perfect in every way.  I need to be mentally and emotionally stable at all times.  It's why I want to constantly lose weight so that I can have the perfect body, and I'm careful to mostly hit so that I don't leaves scars from cutting too many places.  It's the reason I have to hit, I can't tell anyone when I'm sad or angry, because that's not the proper emotion that people expect from me.  All I'm allowed to be is happy.  If I'm not happy then I have to keep it to myself.
I just want to beat myself up tonight.  I want to feel the lightheaded rush as the blood and emotion drain out of me all at once, and I'm left empty.  I like to think of my emotions in relativity.  If I'm always sad, that's my baseline, that's everyone else's complacent.  Then my lack of emotions would be the next step up, and happiness is everyone else's.  So hurting myself would essentially be my version of making me happy.
Anyways.. I'm going to try to distract myself. This journal helps me keep my mind off of it a bit. It's been 3 weeks since SI, and I'm not gunna stop now.  I did end up eating today, first with my family and then with my ex.  So, I guess I'm doin ok with that side of things too.  
I want medication, I wish it wasn't so hard to get it..