Slippery slope

Ive fallen into a depressive episode. I was let go from my job a couple weeks about because I've been mentally intable and have called out too much because my anxiety and depression won't let me get out of bed some days. I cut deeper than I ever have last week, it was an accident though, I didn't realize how sharp it really was and I slashed and it was totally open, one of those ones where you can see the layers of skin underneath and I was honestly surprised at how many seconds it took before that started bleeding, but once t did, oh boy it looked like a murder happened in my bathtub. Scared the shit out of me, took me a while hour to get it to completely stop bleeding holding constant pressure on it. Usually my cuts are healed in 6 days, it's been that long and it's still not closed yet, but getting there, it'll scar badly, a few days after that incident, a guy I knew(not really well) told me to kill myself because I'm an attention seeker, my mental illnesses aren't real and since I cut horizonally it's all for attention apparently, he told me my cuts weren't deep enough and told me to go bleed out and die. Usually that doesn't get to me but I was already at my breaking point and I shredded my whole arm, which I haven't done in years. I forgot how pretty the lines are. I don't feel like I really want to stop, it's to the point where I'm slipping into old ways, foot at hiding them, no one notices, dads never home. And I can wear sweatshirts now which is a plus, I've been thinking of carving his symbol into my arm again, maybe it'll stay this time, I miss him a lot. I've started watching sad things again, I purged for the first time in months tonight. Put myself back in a fast and just drinking green tea and water. Maybe not everyone is ment to be happy, I'm really good at falling apart.

till next time,

M