Slipping

I thought I was moving forward but I can clearly see in me that I am regressing to what I became after my ex-wife left me. I feel myself slipping back into that dark place I allowed myself to stay after she left and I'm feeling as if it's the only place that can accomodate my infinite sadness. I've tried to move on but there's a giant piece of my heart missing and I cry myself to sleep more often than before. I've gone out with friends to help with the solitude and I even went on a date with a woman, all of my friends are married so I'm the fifth wheel whenever we go out. My friends have been there for me throughout my divorce but being the single guy around the couples only fortifys my feeling of loneliness and my longing for my family. I spent halloween with my co-workers also my good friends who are married, they have 4 kids and invited me to go with them to take their kids for candy which I agreed to. I enjoyed spending time with them and I love their kids,  seeing those happy kids reminded me of the son I had l lost and I had to fight the tears back as we walked along the streets. I tell my friends and my co-workers that I don't give a shit anymore about my now ex-wife but that's a lie, secretly I still love her even though she's with another man. I guess if I say it enough I might start believing my own lie, today I cried uncontrolably while in the shower and I couldn't stop. I walk around like everything is ok but my friends and co-workers have no idea that I'm secretly miserable and lonely. I have been forgotten!